Lol, ok not rant as such, but just spew out thoughts and rants and shite like people do in their blogs.
I'm so pissed off. Ok I was in a bad mood when trying to find an outfit for a very formal do in October... because nothing fits properly anymore. Nothing I try on FITS. I tried on a black outfit which was alright but made me feel hideous. It was so depressing trying it on... this after I had tried some other clothes on (a cotton shirt and a jacket... both too small/not fitting properly despite being size 36 and 38 respectively. WTF, I'd have to try a 38 shirt and a 40 jacket? Fuck no.) This dress/black number/outfit was a 38 and it was weird. It fitted size-wise but just sucked. So I rather dejectedly searched for something else. Found something else. A bronze-colour outfit, a skirt and a kinda corset-top. And a white jacket. I didn't look at the price really until I'd tried them on. The bronze getup was lovely, fitted just right but the jacket was a good fit... BUT it was about R550! And it had a staple-hole in the sleeve. So I settled on breaking the bank by only getting the bronze-outfit... expensive (for me).
Got home, rushed off to a farewell at W+S's for J+C... going to Germany for a year. Had a lekker braai, was fun to see everyone again. Yum food, although I ate too much salad and didn't have much of my lamb chops!! Was going to bring it home but forgot it in W+S's fridge, bummer!
When we got home, I tried on the bronze-outfit again, as I'd been dying to show G what it looked like cos it really made me feel nice, it looked nice... so I tried it on. It was nice! Put on my black strappy shoes, but I have to get new ones because the "velveteen" is rubbing off and making rubbery specks everywhere. So pissed off about that cos they were my matric dance shoes and they felt like an investment: black shoes that you could keep for those special occasions and outings where you have to look extremely posh. But no, stupid waste of money shoes are rotting. Whatever.
So anyway, I took off the outfit and laid it out on the bed, admiring it and feeling excited to have something smart and properly fitting, and I noticed a mark on it. It's like a tiny mark of Pritt glue, on the front. Then I scrutinised the entire thing and found a big blotch of this dried glue stuff on the back too! I am SO angry. You go to a shop and try stuff on and are supposed to check out what it LOOKS LIKE and how it MAKES YOU LOOK. Your concern is supposed to be whether it fits correctly, not whether it's got all its fucking buttons intact! Dirty marks on it - that is just unacceptable. You CAN'T scrutinise the bloody thing in the shop as it would entail laying it out completely flat on the floor, and holding it up and stretching the fabric out and looking in all kinds of lighting. Rubbish! I can't believe it. I am so fed up.
I am just so fed up. And on top of that, I have no clothes which fit. Ok lemme be more accurate: I have like 6 pants IN TOTAL which fit. 3 of those are WORK PANTS. 1 pair of jeans that fits, 2 that sort of fit. I have polonecks which fit only because they've stretched in the wash. T-shirts - 3 presentable ones... I don't want to try on my "summer clothes" (I've already thrown out my shorts), what will I have left? I can't afford a whole new wardrobe. I really can't.
I feel sorry for G, waiting around while I drag my heels around the shop, trying to find something nice, only to try it on and not have it fit right, ending up grumpy as a result. It's only clothes. Just finding something to wear...
Only it's not. It's far more complex than that. I go into the change room, to try on something that fits "me", only it's not me. Something has happened, that I have somehow got extra weight, like a handicap for a racehorse. It doesn't fit, because it's not me anymore. Nothing fits ME cos it's not me trying clothes on anymore. I'm somehow underneath the extra weight, that layer of blob. I look in the mirror and am shocked (yes, I'll use that strength of word for it), because it's not me anymore. I've somehow morphed into something else. I'm bitter about it, because you haven't grown into yourself until you're at least 18... I'd say I only grew into myself after I turned 20 or 21. And then at 25, suddenly your body is just snatched away. You get given something else, which you can't find clothes for. Where did it come from? I turned 25, and blammo, I picked up a shitload of weight and now nothing fits me anymore. Why? I haven't changed the way I eat, nothing has changed. I'm not extremely unfit, I haven't become more sedentary, it just happened. Why? How is it fair that now that I am working and earning a living and are comfortable in my body, it changes so that it's all wrong?
Now I have to be a slave to my paycheque again, to buy new clothes. Lovely. Fucking depressing is what it is. Specially since everything is so damn expensive. Plain-ass black pants for work, nothing under R200 unless you want black which fades into brown after the first wash. I can't afford it. G can't buy them for me, because then I owe him money back which doesn't help at all. I don't have anything left. So then I start dwelling on shit like "why is life crap in that you work and earn pay which DOESN'T COVER YOU for the month?". My pay goes into stuff like medical aid, the internet line, my share of the rent, and then what's left isn't really much to play with. If I buy a pair of shoes, nothing's left. Seeing as I end up paying back for shit all the time. Why? Cos I don't have anything in the first place. It all just goes around and around and then I am in such a foul mood and I hate everything.
Am I destined to be completely dependent on G for everything? I have no shoes, honey, can I use your credit card please? I don't have underwear, can I take your credit card... I need work pants... credit card please....
Soul-destroying.
It's not the difference in pay, I'm not jealous and wanting to have a HUGE salary which matches his or anything like that. I just wish I had enough to cover my own fucking (growing) ass.