Stocktake

Since it is 29 December 2011, it might be an opportunity to take stock of where I am these days.

Firstly, I have been going to see a psychologist.  She reckons I have Adjustment Disorder, which is a fancy way of saying I've had a few upsets/rough times and my ability to cope is shot.  I'm not sure what is going to happen, whether counselling alone is going to help, because it involves trying to calmly and rationally think things through and assess my options.  Great for the times I am feeling calm and rational, but completely unhelpful when I'm spazzing out, as I so often am these days.  Perhaps medication will keep me from spazzing out, so that I can be calm and rational for more of the time, so as to get through things.  That probably makes it sound like I'm a loonytoon which I'm not.  It's just that I tend to feel down in the dumps and overwhelmed/exhausted a lot, not that I'm sitting twitching in a corner.

Most of the time, I just feel sad and restless... unable to settle and be 'at peace' - I cannot trust my surroundings, cannot trust the house (any house) and relax.  I feel as though there are too many things that need doing, that take preference over having any form of fun... there are always chores to be done so I just feel unable to do things I used to enjoy a lot, like stitch.  I feel frustrated that things aren't all 'just right'... that there are things that still need attending to... things that are not under our control, such as things waiting for rental agency input... stupid rental agency.

I also feel, as sad as it sounds, as though for the past 3 months we have merely been babysitting Rigi.  I'm not sure why (it may well be a symptom of my aforementioned problem) but I feel more of a bond with and affection towards the budgie than I do with him... and it bugs me immensely.  At present, there isn't so much enjoyment having him around, it's more like another chore, another worry.  Worry over whether he's ok by himself out in the garden, not breaking things, damaging things, eating dangerous things, playing with snakes (yes I saw a snake in the front garden so there is probably a snake(/s) in the back yard too).  He is a sweet little thing, quiet and not a nuisance in the slightest, I just feel currently as though I am unable to keep myself going, nevermind maintaining him as he needs.

This is pretty hard to type, I may well delete this completely but at least I can type it and publish it and get it off my chest...

Part of this problem is the urge, drive almost, to buy something big.  I want my ring, both my rings, back... so badly.  I want MY rings, I want only my rings... and yet I am unable, no matter how well, thoroughly or 'cleverly' I google, to find them.  I cannot... just cannot.  I so badly want my "high-value" ring back, but conversely, I do not want another, because it is such distilled value and so stealable that I do not want it. I do not want so much value in one thing.  And yet, I do.  My mind goes back and forth.  I want at least to replace the wedding ring, but cannot justify the expense.

I find myself obsessing now, frustratingly, on cars.  A car, or two versions of a car.  Audi A4 B7, the car we had, and Audi A3 8P, the sportback (hatchback) version... something so expensive and utterly unattainable.  Something that I would be unable to use.  I don't yet have my QLD open license, nevermind the huge expense of such a car, just in the monthly repayments - and then add on the insurance and petrol costs, as well as maintenance/servicing/repair costs... completely out of my reach and it will not be within my reach any time soon.

This is the A3 which I would dearly love:

It really is a thing of beauty.

I do have something other than cross-stitch to try draw me into relaxing:

Santa was extremely generous this year, and I'm now the lucky owner of a Casio CTK 4200.  I can't read music, nor can I play (not even vaguely!), but I now at least have the tools to learn!  I also now own a pair of Sennheiser HD 202 MKIIs, my first over-ear closed headphones. 

Up until now, I've been (enjoying) using my stock standard iPod earphones.  I tried out the headphones with the iPod and wow... now THAT'S music!

Ok... hopefully this post doesn't seem flippant, what with talking serious stuff and then sticking up pics of "things dat i lyke"... at least the pics make it interesting?

Benylin Day

Today I called in sick... I *did* have a bit of an unhappy tummy, so it wasn't dishonest.  Plus, I needed a chill-out day after a pretty low weekend.

Today was much better.  I got around to doing a bit of admin, and tidied my room (study/stitching room) a bit too.  It makes a huge difference.  I only hope that I don't lapse into the habit of just stuffing stuff into cupboards so that it LOOKS nice.  It does, however, look much more appealing and inviting so I may just stitch sometime... it is by far the lightest room in the house, which I think makes a huge difference.

The house, in general, is quite dark.  The lounge, G's room and the bedroom are very dark due to the balcony and long eaves covering the balconies.  The bedroom is made even more dark by having a wall painted dark chocolate brown.  Lord only knows why whoever it was decided to do that, because it makes me want to jab a screwdriver into my head (exaggeration!):  it's so dark and when you go into the bedroom during the day, it's very glary as the light through the balcony door makes this silhouette effect which is quite eye-straining.  If the rental agency is alright with it, I'd like to have it painted a lighter colour...

The rest of the house is quite weakly lit once it's evening.  It has the air of a restaurant, with dim lighting for "ambience", and sometimes you just want to move on and put the lights up so you can see what you're doing... not great for cross stitch.  I think we should invest in some reading lamps to face towards the wall and ceiling to brighten it up.  This lighting would be great for a home cinema but this is the lounge we're talking about.  The dimness is not helped by the high, slanted ceiling.

No, this isn't meant to be a gripe-about-the-house blog post.  Just trying to explain something that may have a negative effect on my energy levels.

My off-sick day today has made me feel a bit like stitching.  The simple, therapeutic accomplishment of stitching, even if it's a 1" x 1" patch on a fabric 22ft x 22ft - not that I'd ever do one that big, but I'm sure you know what I mean.  The only problem is the demands of other, necessary things, preventing me from even indulging in the feeling of the desire to stitch, let alone indulge in actually stitching.  I'm not sure what it is, but weekdays are so exhausting.  My job is full on, 100%, the entire time.  It's not high-pressure, or extremely stressful, it's just consistently constantly busy, which I like.  I'm just worn out in the evenings!

Perhaps it's just an emotional crash I've experienced, from being busy and stretched thin... and having my sis to stay for a bit over 3 weeks... it's time to recover now, and to look forward to things like Xmas... it's nearly time to put up the tree!  And to decorate FINALLY, with our fledgling traditions - we have to make our own traditions, here.  Can't believe it's our first Australian Xmas.  Time to dig out the tree, find the decorations, buy new ornaments and things, and also to get Wintersong out for the first time!



I've always wanted one of these, so maybe we'll find one:



Anyway, I'll leave it at that - supper's ready!

I haven't posted in ages

There hasn't been that much which has been noteworthy the past while.  Or, I suppose more accurately, I haven't had much brain capacity spare to expend it on blogging.  And I can't think of anything at the moment either.  I may well have forgotten... which scares me greatly.

Basically, over the past while since I blogged last, I've been working.  And my sister came to stay last month for a little over 3 weeks.  And I've been coming to terms with things (not quite) which I'm not yet able to come to terms with.

Yes, this is a vague, pointless blog post again.

I just feel, currently, as though everything is wrong.  The house we are in is too big, there are too many things required of us to maintain it, having a dog is too much responsibility, there are too many things we have to do just to keep our lives running... and I feel overwhelmed and frozen.  I wish I was in a plain bland square apartment with just a little balcony and nothing needing work... just a small vacuum here and there, watering a potplant, etc... but then, living in an apartment would undoubtedly have its own issues such as shitty neighbours making noise etc.  There's just no peace, it seems.  Or, I just cannot find it.

I think this sums up my current state of mind to a T:

 Sorry to be a Debbie-Downer... but sometimes, one just has difficult times.