Stocktake

Since it is 29 December 2011, it might be an opportunity to take stock of where I am these days.

Firstly, I have been going to see a psychologist.  She reckons I have Adjustment Disorder, which is a fancy way of saying I've had a few upsets/rough times and my ability to cope is shot.  I'm not sure what is going to happen, whether counselling alone is going to help, because it involves trying to calmly and rationally think things through and assess my options.  Great for the times I am feeling calm and rational, but completely unhelpful when I'm spazzing out, as I so often am these days.  Perhaps medication will keep me from spazzing out, so that I can be calm and rational for more of the time, so as to get through things.  That probably makes it sound like I'm a loonytoon which I'm not.  It's just that I tend to feel down in the dumps and overwhelmed/exhausted a lot, not that I'm sitting twitching in a corner.

Most of the time, I just feel sad and restless... unable to settle and be 'at peace' - I cannot trust my surroundings, cannot trust the house (any house) and relax.  I feel as though there are too many things that need doing, that take preference over having any form of fun... there are always chores to be done so I just feel unable to do things I used to enjoy a lot, like stitch.  I feel frustrated that things aren't all 'just right'... that there are things that still need attending to... things that are not under our control, such as things waiting for rental agency input... stupid rental agency.

I also feel, as sad as it sounds, as though for the past 3 months we have merely been babysitting Rigi.  I'm not sure why (it may well be a symptom of my aforementioned problem) but I feel more of a bond with and affection towards the budgie than I do with him... and it bugs me immensely.  At present, there isn't so much enjoyment having him around, it's more like another chore, another worry.  Worry over whether he's ok by himself out in the garden, not breaking things, damaging things, eating dangerous things, playing with snakes (yes I saw a snake in the front garden so there is probably a snake(/s) in the back yard too).  He is a sweet little thing, quiet and not a nuisance in the slightest, I just feel currently as though I am unable to keep myself going, nevermind maintaining him as he needs.

This is pretty hard to type, I may well delete this completely but at least I can type it and publish it and get it off my chest...

Part of this problem is the urge, drive almost, to buy something big.  I want my ring, both my rings, back... so badly.  I want MY rings, I want only my rings... and yet I am unable, no matter how well, thoroughly or 'cleverly' I google, to find them.  I cannot... just cannot.  I so badly want my "high-value" ring back, but conversely, I do not want another, because it is such distilled value and so stealable that I do not want it. I do not want so much value in one thing.  And yet, I do.  My mind goes back and forth.  I want at least to replace the wedding ring, but cannot justify the expense.

I find myself obsessing now, frustratingly, on cars.  A car, or two versions of a car.  Audi A4 B7, the car we had, and Audi A3 8P, the sportback (hatchback) version... something so expensive and utterly unattainable.  Something that I would be unable to use.  I don't yet have my QLD open license, nevermind the huge expense of such a car, just in the monthly repayments - and then add on the insurance and petrol costs, as well as maintenance/servicing/repair costs... completely out of my reach and it will not be within my reach any time soon.

This is the A3 which I would dearly love:

It really is a thing of beauty.

I do have something other than cross-stitch to try draw me into relaxing:

Santa was extremely generous this year, and I'm now the lucky owner of a Casio CTK 4200.  I can't read music, nor can I play (not even vaguely!), but I now at least have the tools to learn!  I also now own a pair of Sennheiser HD 202 MKIIs, my first over-ear closed headphones. 

Up until now, I've been (enjoying) using my stock standard iPod earphones.  I tried out the headphones with the iPod and wow... now THAT'S music!

Ok... hopefully this post doesn't seem flippant, what with talking serious stuff and then sticking up pics of "things dat i lyke"... at least the pics make it interesting?

Benylin Day

Today I called in sick... I *did* have a bit of an unhappy tummy, so it wasn't dishonest.  Plus, I needed a chill-out day after a pretty low weekend.

Today was much better.  I got around to doing a bit of admin, and tidied my room (study/stitching room) a bit too.  It makes a huge difference.  I only hope that I don't lapse into the habit of just stuffing stuff into cupboards so that it LOOKS nice.  It does, however, look much more appealing and inviting so I may just stitch sometime... it is by far the lightest room in the house, which I think makes a huge difference.

The house, in general, is quite dark.  The lounge, G's room and the bedroom are very dark due to the balcony and long eaves covering the balconies.  The bedroom is made even more dark by having a wall painted dark chocolate brown.  Lord only knows why whoever it was decided to do that, because it makes me want to jab a screwdriver into my head (exaggeration!):  it's so dark and when you go into the bedroom during the day, it's very glary as the light through the balcony door makes this silhouette effect which is quite eye-straining.  If the rental agency is alright with it, I'd like to have it painted a lighter colour...

The rest of the house is quite weakly lit once it's evening.  It has the air of a restaurant, with dim lighting for "ambience", and sometimes you just want to move on and put the lights up so you can see what you're doing... not great for cross stitch.  I think we should invest in some reading lamps to face towards the wall and ceiling to brighten it up.  This lighting would be great for a home cinema but this is the lounge we're talking about.  The dimness is not helped by the high, slanted ceiling.

No, this isn't meant to be a gripe-about-the-house blog post.  Just trying to explain something that may have a negative effect on my energy levels.

My off-sick day today has made me feel a bit like stitching.  The simple, therapeutic accomplishment of stitching, even if it's a 1" x 1" patch on a fabric 22ft x 22ft - not that I'd ever do one that big, but I'm sure you know what I mean.  The only problem is the demands of other, necessary things, preventing me from even indulging in the feeling of the desire to stitch, let alone indulge in actually stitching.  I'm not sure what it is, but weekdays are so exhausting.  My job is full on, 100%, the entire time.  It's not high-pressure, or extremely stressful, it's just consistently constantly busy, which I like.  I'm just worn out in the evenings!

Perhaps it's just an emotional crash I've experienced, from being busy and stretched thin... and having my sis to stay for a bit over 3 weeks... it's time to recover now, and to look forward to things like Xmas... it's nearly time to put up the tree!  And to decorate FINALLY, with our fledgling traditions - we have to make our own traditions, here.  Can't believe it's our first Australian Xmas.  Time to dig out the tree, find the decorations, buy new ornaments and things, and also to get Wintersong out for the first time!



I've always wanted one of these, so maybe we'll find one:



Anyway, I'll leave it at that - supper's ready!

I haven't posted in ages

There hasn't been that much which has been noteworthy the past while.  Or, I suppose more accurately, I haven't had much brain capacity spare to expend it on blogging.  And I can't think of anything at the moment either.  I may well have forgotten... which scares me greatly.

Basically, over the past while since I blogged last, I've been working.  And my sister came to stay last month for a little over 3 weeks.  And I've been coming to terms with things (not quite) which I'm not yet able to come to terms with.

Yes, this is a vague, pointless blog post again.

I just feel, currently, as though everything is wrong.  The house we are in is too big, there are too many things required of us to maintain it, having a dog is too much responsibility, there are too many things we have to do just to keep our lives running... and I feel overwhelmed and frozen.  I wish I was in a plain bland square apartment with just a little balcony and nothing needing work... just a small vacuum here and there, watering a potplant, etc... but then, living in an apartment would undoubtedly have its own issues such as shitty neighbours making noise etc.  There's just no peace, it seems.  Or, I just cannot find it.

I think this sums up my current state of mind to a T:

 Sorry to be a Debbie-Downer... but sometimes, one just has difficult times.

Wow...

Ok, the below blue text is what I started writing oh, about a week ago!

I've been 'afk' for over a month... sjoe!

Where to start.

Well, for one thing, we're moved in.  All went fine, the new house rocks and I am feeling more and more like this is a Home now.  I've even unpacked some things in 'my' room, the bedroom cupboards are almost completely packed now, just got a few things to do like pack the garage better, get rid of junk some previous tenants left, etc.  Things are slowly finding their right place.

I also feel like shopping for furniture, as it'd be nice to have big enough bookshelves now.  It's like, I'm grown up now, I am allowed to have full-size furniture as I've finished growing LOL.  I don't need to 'make do' with the same tiny bookshelves I grew up with... one of them is moldy anyway, which I utterly despise as I suffer from hayfever and don't need mold hanging around.

Ok, so we're in the new house, loving it.  In the past month+, it has become summer.  Or, like CT summer as this is only 'spring' and summer will be hotter.  It's beautiful, and so luxurious at the moment.  Like being on holiday, every day.

A week after we moved, we went to fetch our pup.  Yes, we got the pup!!  After a hiccup with the rental agency and being devastated that we couldn't actually have the pup indoors, all was right and we were able to fetch him.  We hung out with his breeder for a bit on that day, so she could explain a million things to us, and we also went to the lagoon with them, our pup and his sister.  The car trip home was fine, with just 1 upset stomach incident.  We bought him a crate so the whole journey was stress-free as he was able to lie down and didn't feel the urge to explore the whole car.

Our pup's name is Rigi.  Officially.  I call him Piglet...

He is such a sweet little chap, it's unbelievable.  There's no mischief, no destructive streak, the only thing he does is want to be with us all the time.  He doesn't chew the furniture, find things to pull off furniture and chew, the worst he's done is pick up one of G's socks and walk towards us in the kitchen with it.  He cried the first few nights a short while after being put to bed in his crate, but that seems to be fading into a distant memory now.  He has learnt very quickly what we do and don't want him to do, for example he's not allowed on the couches, he must wait for us to go through doorways first, he has to sit and wait for his food.  Also, things like not jumping up at us to get attention.  He is very mouthy still, but that's probably because he is teething - he doesn't really play with toys, he prefers things like pigs ears, rawhide chews etc to destroy.  Suits us fine if he's chewing those instead of our stuff!

He's such a cute little fluffball, really a sweetie pie.  I think we have been so lucky getting him only at age 4 months.

In other news (yes, I will post pics of Piglet sometime), the other admin assistant/secretary left.  She found out about 2 weekends ago that she was pregnant, came to work the Monday, decided she wasn't going to put up with the stress anymore and quit.  She left during the afternoon as she was only on probation still so there's no notice period etc.  Wow.  And then, shortly after, they got in a receptionist, who decided the job wasn't for her after 1 day.  They got another one, who decided after 3 or 4 days that the job wasn't for her either.  Thankfully, they got an admin assistant/secretary, who has stayed, and they got a receptionist, who also has stayed.  I have to say, it's SO MUCH NICER working with happy/sane people, it's incredible.  Now AngryWoman (the PA to our level's boss) needs to find another job (for her sanity mostly), and someone who isn't so angry can take her place, and then all will be right with the world.

 Ok, now that that bit has been marked as 'old', another round of updates:

Rigi is in his teenage months, I think, so he has taken to barking when he's been put to bed.  We're working on it.  And he's lost his baby teeth, I think.  It's nearly time to get him neutered.  He is a sweetie though, and passed his 4 puppy classes with flying colours.

The receptionist I mentioned above has since left.  Another is starting on Monday.

Tomorrow is SA vs Aus and NZ vs Argentina (Rugby World Cup).  I seriously hope SA wins, as I wore my SA scarf to work on Friday.  I only found out I think it was Wednesday past that SA was playing against Aus, as I hadn't been following the rugby at all, and also didn't think SA had a hope (no expectations LOL!)  So tomorrow's game will be a tough one, and its outcome will decide if I'm picked on or bowed down to at work on Monday!!

Work has been interesting.  I think the work is ok, as I said before it's so much better without loony toon colleagues.  We just need Angrywoman to find another job and somebody else to take the job and really fit the job well.  I just don't envy that position at all.  I think I'm pretty spoilt by my boss, I feel 'intimidated' by her to some degree, as she is younger than me, undeniably very attractive (I feel like a real plain jane next to her - not that she's a supermodel though!), in a far more 'strong' role than me, and also she's at times very solitary... not sure if it's just towards me or whether it's just how she deals with not being in the best of moods. 

Either way, I really like working for her and I hope she likes having me work for her.  I was actually asked in the interview whether I'd worked for a female boss before, and whether I'd have a problem with it and I said I hadn't before but I doubted I'd have a problem.  So far, all's good.  I am not, however, pledging my undying allegiance and unwavering commitment to her at all, knowing full well how backstabby workplaces can be, and not wanting to be vulnerable to that, but I sincerely hope that this stays a good working relationship.

Since I blogged last, things have settled in at the new house quite well.  Love the convenience of bus to work and back, and am enjoying having a balcony (there is a 2nd one but it's far less appealing, even though if it was the only one it'd be perfect too!).  I've pretty much unpacked most of my stuff in my 'study' (stitching room!), with only ornaments and books needing to be unpacked.  The ornaments will probably have to wait though, as the floors in this house are rather rattly (it vibrates a lot as you walk - it's a wooden floor) and I'd be afraid that the ornaments would wobble and fall over and get damaged.  I may well move one of the display cabinets into my study though... unless... I could buy ANOTHER one?? (buahaha, not likely as they're quite pricy, but would be nice).

Nothing else much is bloggable... time goes on and sadly, frustratingly, I still am not over the trauma of the burglary.  I am triggered by things at times (like my boss bought a new, EXPENSIVE ring), and then I feel like I'm having a meltdown.  And I still fear, whenever we come home after the light has started fading, that we will go into the garage and find the door open... a repeat scenario.  But anyway, time goes on and I will carry on, regardless of the serious craters in the road.

Other than that, not much news.  I still love Bird, and I miss Dude a lot (still, yes!).  I miss the fish, even though I have ones here too.  I'm considering getting a kuhli loach (yes, I know, you're not supposed to have only one but I had only one for a while after buying 4 and 3 of them dying quite soon after - the last one is still alive thankyouverymuch!).

Cheers for now - I'm trying to get back into stitching and will post a pic of any progress I have made.  And I will post pics of our house, too.  And Rigi too.

Wow-O

It's already the 13th of August, I've been afk on my blog for ages it seems!

Rather a lot has happened...

Firstly, the current tenants in the new house are unable to be out 'in time'.  We were supposed to be getting the keys today, but are now only getting them on Thursday.  The reason we wanted to have the house for the last week that we have the current house is so that we can shift all our stuff smoothly without having a time where everything is up in the air at the same time.  But it's not to be, so we're moving on Friday.  I can't wait.  I was hoping we'd get the keys the Thurs evening so we could shift the fishtank and some other stuff before the movers are there (early Friday morning), but I don't know if we would do that - I think I'd feel a bit 'eek' about any of our stuff being left in an otherwise empty house.  Maybe my post-burglary paranoia at work.

The previous week was a rather stressful, vexing week with my colleagues (other admin-girls) having completely grumps and moans of varying severity.  It really got to me and I had what I can only describe as an emotional crash.  Then, to round up the week with a weird bang, Friday was The Weirdest Work Day In History for me.

I won't go into detail because it's really not that important (as I mentioned in my previous blogpost), but basically the boss on level 1 called the 3 of us admin-girls on level 1 in and had a rant at us.  It was something really small, but which is actually kinda important and it just reached a tipping point where he'd noticed it not being done a few times now and he just couldn't let it slip any longer.  The other two girls got absolutely worked up and riled and their hackles rose and they argued back at the boss, only serving to piss him off more.

The one girl (my counterpart, who works for the other solicitor) muttered 'these things are so easy, getting a receptionist would also be easy' and left.  (Basically, these stupid mistakes are due to there being no receptionist and us having to be receptionist and man the switchboard instead of being able to focus on OUR OWN JOBS).  So she disappeared (left the building) for about half an hour.  She was in tears and fed up, and she ultimately left at 14:30 due to already having felt sick during the day only for it to be worsened by this event.

The other girl was utterly upset too, and went and had quite a long and loud argument with the general manager behind closed doors.  Their conversation was interrupted when the boss barged in and she left the general managers office.  The boss then had an utter ranting, shout-and-smack-the-desk argument at the general manager for a while.  While this was going on, the girl then had a rant and moan at me about it when 'the coast was clear' and she was sure the boss and the solicitors weren't around.

Weirder still was when my 'boss' (solicitor I work for) came to me during the afternoon when the other 2 girls weren't around, and said she had to mention, but the boss said he was very impressed with how I handled what happened the morning.  I was pretty astounded, as I hadn't even done anything - he hadn't actually ranted at me as I am (I'm guessing) the new girl and not expected to be flawless just yet - so there was no handling that I had done at all.  To be honest, I really hadn't a clue as to what the fuck had just happened, so it was pretty surreal being told that I'd handled it well.

But anyway, my boss-solicitor then went on to tell me that the boss (level 1) had had a few secretaries in the past while and hadn't been happy and it's just cos he's hard to work for and the others hadn't really been able to learn the job.

Then, after she'd gone away, the 1 girl who remained (remember, the other had left earlier) asked me what my boss-solicitor had said, and then said I should take what the solicitors say with a pinch of salt as 'they say what the boss has told them to say...' and she added, for good measure, 'and your boss has been sleeping with the boss, pretty much from day 1 when she started here - just thought you should know'.  I actually had no words.  I just nodded, shrugged, smiled/or something, and carried on with my work.

Anyway, that was a general summary of Weird Day (tm), then last week was pretty strange too.  Basically, my counterpart-girl was on leave on Friday, so it was just 2 of us on level 1 and another girl on level 2 manning the phone/etc.  Not long after I got back from lunch, when the other girl went in to the general manager's office.  They had a long, heated ranting argument behind closed doors for quite a while.  At one point, I heard the general manager shout at her 'sit down and shut up!', which is VERY WEIRD because he's not the kind of guy just to say something like that lightly, and not long after that, she yanked the door opened, said something along the lines of "I quit", and stormed in tears to her cubicle.  She pulled some things off her pin board, and bitterly muttered "fuck every one of you", and left.

I have no real idea what happened, but I heard rumour that someone (the boss) criticised something she did and she just can't handle criticism at all.  Regardless, it's pretty shitty when once a week, a colleague storms out in tears.

In OTHER weird news, I happened to post on FB that my job seemed dumb and might even be pointless.  This was BEFORE the girl quit, might I add.  I am, basically, an admin assistant/secretary, but I spend a lot of my time (as do the other 2) doing dumb stuff a receptionist should do.  But anyway, I get this flurry of comments on that status, basically who the fuck do I think I am, ungrateful cunt that I am, to be dissatisfied with a job, when there are so many who would gladly do my work.

I tried to explain there that I was MERELY expressing myself after a shitty, tiring day at work AS SO MANY PEOPLE DO after shitty, tiring work days.  Who the hell hasn't complained that their job is pointless ever?!  And I tried to explain that I'm not being unappreciative of the fact that I have a job, just that it doesn't seem to be the best job match for me in the entire world and that I'd rather look for something better.  But no, that's not acceptable, I'm an ungrateful bitch.  Oh and I'm a debbie-downer and stuff and my status updates have in the past been negative and complaining all the time, and I've done nothing but complain ever since I got here and started to look for work.  All this, from someone I'VE NEVER MET!!  She is a friend of a cousin who I've seen once in my life, who added me because (I assume) she found some of my comments on my cousin's statuses to be amusing.  But somehow she now feels she is qualified to judge me and make sweeping assumptions about my personality, calling me arrogant and pious and spoilt.

I don't actually understand - what is wrong with ACKNOWLEDGING that something isn't work for you, and trying to change it so that you can be happy?  Why sit in a crap job, hating every minute of your life, when you could try for something better?  Why even subject your COLLEAGUES to the torture of working with someone who is unhappy in their job?  The lady who calls the boss fuckface etc does that to the rest of us on a daily basis and it really gets to us big time.  Why do I want to become that woman?  I don't!  (I know, I was unhappy and grumbly about my previous job but wasn't able to change jobs due to waiting for visa stuff to happen, but I was NOT like AngryWoman, or the DramaQueenslanders, as I've nicknamed them).  But no... I should take my head out of my ass, shut the fuck up and stick it out until something better comes along.  Yah, I'm so totally going to get headhunted IN AN OFFICE!


Ok, my petulance may be making an appearance, but really.  I am the last person who would take a job for granted, regardless of what job it is.  I appreciate being here SO DAMN MUCH, I just can't express it.  Hell, I'm still in frickin' awe that I have a visa label in my passport which says 'permitted to stay in Australia indefinitely'.


Ok... sorry if that's a Ranty McRant post.  I might well come back and delete it.


There is some happy news, however.  Today, we went to the Ekka.  First ever, and it was quite fun.  It was hectically crowded, but it was enjoyable for the most part.  Here are some pics from today:

I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone playing this game, but these freaky clown-dudes seem to be a staple of any funfair I've ever been to.

We caught the end of a showing class.  Next up were sheepdog trials.  Tense, gripping stuff.  The complete focus of the sheepdogs is incredible.

I want one of these to stick up on our house's roof.  Imagine the neighbour's shock seeing this for the first time!

A monster bucket of candyfloss (fairy floss).

 

A glow-stick goodie-bag, bought specially for Sis.

We weren't sure which day to go on, but decided on today as someone was to be showing some dogs...


That someone being a breeder of a puppy who might be coming to live with us in the next month!  Yup, we might (probably/will/not sure/can't believe it!) be getting a puppy.  We went to meet him last weekend:  we took a drive down to the Gold Coast to meet him and he's an absolute SWEETIE PIE!  We met him and his sister, plus his 'uncle'.  He's a Japanese Spitz.  So fluffy and utterly adorable.  We also went to the beach while we were there.

This is a pic for anyone who doesn't have Google-fu of any sort.

Ok, that's really all my news and views for now.  I hope this hasn't been too long and boring.

Til next time:

Ciao!

Moedeloos, again

I took a peek at Google Translate to define this marvelous word:

Moedeloos

Afrikaans to English translation:

despondent

Adjectives

1. despondent
2. dispirited
3. depressed
4. crestfallen
5. heartless
6. cheerless
7. depressing
8. mopish
9. sick

Adverbs

1. cheerlessly
2. dispiritedly
3. out of heart

I think it's not as subtle as the word's meaning as I have been brought up to understand it.  There's an element of frustration, last-straw moodiness that's missing from the above list of words.

Regardless, I'm currently feeling a bit moedeloos.

I won't bother going into major detail about work, because it's so completely meaningless.  There are a few colleagues (yes, I can say that now*) who seem completely unable to STFU with their gripes, bitching and whingeing.  And I mean gripes like: after almost every single phonecall, they have to go 'oh, ffs...' etc OUT LOUD.  Now, if you do that after EVERY SINGLE PHONECALL, there's something wrong.  And, if you call your boss fuckface etc OUT LOUD, in front of colleagues, when he's not there, and complain about being interrupted and not getting things done (and then when you think nobody's looking, surf the net), then there's something wrong.  Get a new job.  I'm not sure what it is, but the 3 other admin-type-job ladies all gripe, and I find it pretty tiresome because I don't find the whole scenario QUITE AS FUCKING INTOLERABLE as they do.  So the phone rang, big deal.  So the boss asked you to do something urgent, ok... fine, it's interrupted you, but then if you go straight to the internet after you've griped at me, then I'm not so sympathetic.

Dunno.  Anyway, it's childish and I suppose it's unchecked because the 4 of us are in a sort of 'open plan area' whereas the bosses/higher-ups are in their own offices and probably don't hear it.  I just wish they'd stfu because it works on my nerves.  Today one of them had a meltdown, having an argument with the general manager (in his office with the door closed), and then left at 15:30... it stresses everyone else out.

Anyway, to do with the little * in the complaint above:  I am now permanent!  I was supposed to finish 3 weeks' 'trial' and be made permanent if they and I were happy, but I asked on Monday (as the 3 weeks had finished) and was told it'd be simpler for accounts if I am still 'casual' for this week too as salaries are paid fortnightly.  I didn't complain, as the payrate is higher if you're a casual :P  but anyway, I got my letter and as of Monday, I will be permanent - although I still have to undergo the 6 months' probation period.

We have heard nothing back about the house we're currently in.  I guess nothing has been sorted out with the owner's estate etc and tenants are the last items on anybody's mind, so we'll just do our time and bid them adieu soon.  No hard feelings, it's unfortunate really, but still.  One for the record: FUCK THIS STUPID SUBURB!

Ahhh, that feels better.

Ok, other news... let me think.  I have been absent from my blog for a while now, due to the fact that I'm up at 05:30/06:00, and get home at 18:00.  Bedtime is supposed to be 22:00, but it doesn't seem to happen.  And when I'm home after work, my mind just kinda shuts down.  I hope I get used to being back in the working world soon, because it's kinda frustrating being 'half-brained' in the evening when I've not had any time to myself the whole day so far.  I hope that I'll soon recover my stride and be able to actually DO things in the evenings after work, like (oh golly gosh), cross stitch.  It really has been ages.


I must say that Brisbane winter is so different from Cape Town winter.  The skin of my finger joints are so dried out and chapped, I'm really struggling with it.  I suspect it has more to do with aircon in the office than the weather, but it could possibly be the sheer cold in the morning using the tap AND also walking to the bus stop.  It is pretty frickin' cold at 6:30/7am!  It's just dry cold windless generally clear/lightly clouded weather, as opposed to wet, wildly windy, ominously cloudy weather.

I feel so boring, with no news.  I don't get up to much mischief these days.

I was going to blog about more stuff, but I really am brain-tired right now, and can't remember what I wanted to say!

Night, time for my hotwater bottle and bed!  Yes, at 22:30 on a Friday night - how sad am I!? :P

Eish

Boy have I been scarce lately.

This is my third trial week.

I'm so tired, I will continue this blog post another time. I guess this one is just me clocking in again.

Cheers til next time.

Just a quick line

... to post that I'm still alive.

I will blog again hopefully this week.  I just am so moeg after work I don't feel up for anything.  And now it's back to that happy place of trying to stuff 7 days' worth of life into the weekend.  I'm still adjusting.


This week is the last week of my 3 week trial, I should hopefully hear this week whether they are going to keep me or not.

So, that's all for now.

Ok... my news

The reason I bought the business suit last week was because I had an interview lined up for Thursday, as well as for Monday.

Thursday's interview went well (admin position), and they said they'd get back to me on Tuesday.  Monday's interview was for an audiotyping position, and I had to do a typing and listening+typing test.  They were going to let me know this week what the results of my tests were, etc.  While I was getting ready for Monday's interview, I got a call from a third company, asking if I could come for an interview the following day.  Sjoe!

Tuesday's interview went pretty well, I'd say... I was offered the job on the spot!!

The offer was emailed the following day, and I waited another day before replying as I wanted to give Thursday's company a chance to contact me.  I replied this morning to accept the Tuesday's company job offer though, and as Murphy would have it, Thursday's company phoned this afternoon to offer me their job!  And then a little while later, Monday's company phoned to say that my 'test results' were very good and that they were just waiting to hear back from my references...

So, due to having a business suit and makeup, I seem to have 2.5 job offers in 1 week.  Wow-o.

But anyway, I accepted the Tuesday's company job offer, and begin work Monday.  The guy who was interviewing me asked if I could start the very next day, but I said no as I'd need a bit of time to sort myself out and buy work clothes LOL.

So, today we went clothes shopping.  Or rather, I did.  G was my portable clothing-rail for a while.  I only bought shirts as I can always just wear black trousers every day for now.  I'm really hoping the dress code isn't as formal as all other companies in the entire city seem to require. 

I also bought a new purse.  The stupid QLD drivers' licence is not credit-card sized (it's larger), which pisses me off no end and DOESN'T fit in my Wonderbra purse (it was a freebie with a magazine LOL).  Hopefully the traffic dept will roll-out the new chipped, credit-card sized licence cards soon.

I also bought... brace yourself... A HANDBAG.  OMFG sound the trumpets, I bought a real, live (ok, not really) handbag!!!!

A handbag.  Ok, trumpets can go back to silent-mode now, because I already have a handbag, I just thought it wasn't 'smart' looking enough to go with my business attire now... and it's a little big.  Although, I'm probably going to resort to taking a backpack again anyway because of needing to pack lunch every day like I usually do (I loathe spending money on 'eat-out' lunch, it's such a waste) - I might just stuff the little handbag in the backpack LOL.

Ok, so that's my news for the week, I think.  No, wait...

I've been looking online at houses to rent (yes, already) and there have been 1 or 2 available for when we're looking to start renting again.  We went to see one yesterday, and are going to see another tomorrow.  Because of where we're looking to rent (safer/nicer suburbs), it's a little more expensive than where we are now, but I can honestly say I'm so over this house (and suburb) now.

Also, what sucks big eggs is that, although it's not the rental agency's fault, they are not able to make any security improvements on the house.  Because the owner passed away.  Yup, for real.  So everything is on hold until someone gets power of attorney etc etc etc, which will probably be only just before our lease expires.  So we sit, stuck, in an unsafe feeling house, with not much security, AND we can't even get permission to get a dog as company/3rd pair of ears around the house... because it's not worth breaking the lease over... bah!

Ok, drama-queening aside, it's under 2 months til we're free... I just hope nothing happens in that time.

I've also come to the FUCKING realisation that in all likelihood, we were broken into because I, wise-as-an-owl person that I am, didn't think it was NECESSARY, in this land of milk and honey, to HIDE my stupid laptop OUT OF SIGHT from any window in the entire house, before going out for ONE HOUR.

Never in my right mind would I have left the laptop (or anything vaguely valuable) within sight in SA... why on EARTH did I not hide my laptop out of view here?  Really stupid!  Why take the chance?  Oh, you know, I guess it's because we heard (and still hear) all these lovely stories of people going on holiday for a few weeks and accidentally leaving their front door unlocked and coming back to find nothing stolen.  Why us?  One goddamned hour?!  Hardly fair... I dunno.  I'm not whining (or maybe I am?), I'm just penning these thoughts so as to exorcise them.  Dunno.  This whole 'coming to terms' thing is slower and more stupid than I ever imagined it would be.  Bear with me, folks.

Ok, apart from these rambly thoughts, I have to admit one thing:  I've been looking at the RSPCA's adoptapet site lately, looking at all the cute dogs up for adoption... there are 2 that I hope aren't adopted (so we can go see them) before we get permission to get a dog... :-P I know, it's wishful thinking etc, and we probably wouldn't get permission etc etc etc, but still.  It'd be lovely to give a poor adopt-a-dog a forever home.

Ah well.  Time must happen.  And with that, it's bedtime.  Toodle-doo for now.

P.S.  my stitching has pretty much stalled due to having to jobhunt til it came out of my ears.  Hopefully now that I have (touch wood) a job, I'll be able to settle into a routine of a bit of stitching during the evenings.  When you're busy 'not doing anything much', you just don't really accomplish much - it's such a waste of time.  Not sure that came out as eloquently as it should, but ah well.

Adieu for now!

Topsy-frickin'-turvy!

Let me just say that... and promise to elaborate a bit later ;-)

And yes, I have a cold

*snifffffff* :-(

I did it...

I bought the Heart Strings kit... and pillow form.  From separate websites, but YIPPEE!!

So, 2 parcels on their way to me.  I know, it's going to be a while before I actually get to DO this project, but at least I now will HAVE it, regardless of whether it goes out of distribution forever.  Who knows, maybe I've just bought THE LAST ONE ever...?

In other news, today I bought a business suit.  And, *gasp* some makeup.  So, any forthcoming interviews, I'm READY!  And, I've opened up the job-search a bit, by now fitting the criteria for receptionist jobs... so maybe I'm about to find MY PERFECT job any moment now.

Actually, I'm pretty excited because I look so POSH now hehehe... and the makeup looks quite nice.  Ok, I've only used the foundation so far, but still! Yay, hidden blemishes :-P

Gonna knock their socks off, watch this space!

Oh, wait, before I sign off, I was phoned yesterday by one of the companies I went to an interview with, and who said I was a 'preferred candidate', basically to say sorry, but you didn't get the job.  Everything was fine, the lady said, but hearing my referees' impression of how well I'd suit the job... not so good.  Apparently, I don't work so well when a lot of people give me things to do at one time, and the lady said they'd rather not put me in a position where there'll be 100+ people who might give me things to do if it's just going to stress me out.

Ok, fair enough, except, how WOULD anyone at my previous company even KNOW whether I'd be ok with dealing with multiple tasks at once, when I've only ever been allowed to do ONE THING AT A TIME ever because ONLY HBBM'S WORK was ever important!!  *Sigh* but you can't say that to a prospective employer, but still.  Sucks to be 'let down' by how stupid the previous place's scenario was.  Really, I never was allowed any autonomy over my workload because HBBM's stuff really was the be all and end all of everything, and even if anyone gave me something to do, HBBM's stuff trumped it by a mile.  So anyway, one more job application for nil, but still, I'm going to keep on looking and applying.

Watch this space!

I think

I am getting a cold.

During the morning, I started to get *that feeling* in my nose/throat... and now I have a bit of a scratch starting in my throat and my nose has been drippy all day.  Plus I feel a bit 'cuddly' like I want to wrap myself in a blanket and huddle, and I don't mean that in the 'it's cold, winter, brrr' kind of way.

I've been thinking of doing a bit of 'tidying', the past day or 2.  I feel so uneasy, unsettled and unable to relax because of the burglary, and, like I said previously, I want to minimise the 'stealable' stuff I own.  I feel so insecure, knowing that, if anyone wants to, they bloodywell can just break in at any time and there's not a flippin' thing we can do to stop them.  Even if we had fort-knox-esque security, they'd still be able to get in.

Read a story this morning about a Melbourne couple who arrived home to find an intruder in their house, and he stabbed the husband 3 times and stabbed at the woman before escaping.  How FUCKED UP is this whole world, when people COME HOME, to their own home, to find someone WHO SHOULDN'T BLOODYWELL BE THERE, only to be attacked and wounded by the intruder?!  That's what 'intruding' means - not supposed to be there.  The bastard shouldn't even BE THERE, let alone ATTACK THEM!  It's just so wrong... so wrong.

Ok, rant over (at least, for that story).  So yes, I want to minimise the 'value' of stuff I own, but then I'm left wondering, if someone DOES break in, only to find nothing to reward their efforts, they'd probably be angry and brutalise everything in the house, including the fishtank and bird cage (and Bird).  I don't even want to think about it... but can't not.

And then, to make things even MORE happy and restful of late, there's this whole spate of hacking going on.  The whole PSN/govt/CIA/whatever/and ever being hacked, which really makes me want to close every account/ID I have online.

Where are we safe, anymore?  Were we ever safe?  But, in this day and age (such a corny phrase, that), how can you get by without online accounts?  There's no alternative path anymore...

I think I want to become a monk, or maybe even just a monkey.

Pic from Monkey Pictures

A little less lowjo

My mojo has recovered fractionally.  It may have been PMS pushing me over the ledge into rant, but for now, Ranty McRantpants is off duty.

Yesterday we heard about the lunar eclipse and on hearing that we would be able to watch it (ie, that it wasn't already past), I set my alarm for 4am.  I pressed snooze twice, so we only got up at 4:20 but we frozenly went and sat in 'my' spare room to watch through the window.  We couldn't have chosen a better spot, actually, as the moon went straight down in the middle of the window!  Also, I pulled out a spare blanket from the cupboard in there, so we were able to avoid freezing solid while we watched.

It was quite pretty... in that kind of awe-inspiring way where you realise that the moon, that constant in our lives, is WAYYYYYYYYYYYY over there, not 'hanging out in the sky' like a rainbow or a cloud, it's out there, in SPACE!  The immense distance, and the incredible size of the moon (never mind the other planets or the sun), is once again reinstilled and I, for one, felt so lucky to be in a nice, secure house, sitting cuddled up with G and a blanket, looking through a window, rather than out there in the cold emptiness of space.

UTTERLY unrelated, but I think I should buy the Heart Strings pillow kit.  It's still available on 123Stitch, but is no longer available on JCA's website (it doesn't come up if you do a search), which I think may mean that they have discontinued it and if I don't buy one NOW, I'll miss out on it.  I did look at the pic of it and it seems like it'd match Spirit Horses quite well as they're both black fabric with bright butter-yellow cording.  Thankfully, we have a 1-seater, a 2-seater and a 3-seater couch so if they really clash and don't get along well at all, they can go on separate couches!  Plus, by the time I actually get to do Heart Strings, I'll be Miss SuperPro Stitcher, and will be up for a challenge which Heart Strings would certainly present, not being simple cross-stitch but crewel!

Ok, I know, I have a serious backlog of projects... !  But admittedly I did see Heart Strings before deciding not to buy anything more ever again, so it can be my stitching-shopping swansong...

Something that's been behaving weirdly lately is Blogger for Android.  I keep getting notifications about a blogpost being successfully posted, when it was posted DAYS ago.  WTF?

And on another unrelated note, seeing how cathartic blogging about stuff is, I wanted to spit out all the things that make me miss my stuff.  For now, I'm going to focus on my ring/s:

I miss my wedding ring in particular, because I wore it instead of the engagement ring once we got the wedding rings.  Not that I don't miss my engagement ring though.  I miss my (wedding) ring, when I walk with shopping and I don't feel the ring pressing my finger as the bag handle squashes my fingers together.  I miss it when I wash up and I don't have to take it off before putting the gloves on.  I miss it when I wash my hands, because I used to make sure that I didn't leave soap under the ring, and as I was also cautious not to let it come off in the basin/in the towel when drying my hands.  I miss taking it off at night and putting it next to my watch on my bedside table.  I miss seeing it next to my watch, on the bedside table.  I miss it when I feel the metal link sturdiness of my watch on my wrist and I don't feel the petite presence of my ring on my finger, because I used to put both on in the morning, without fail.

That's all I feel like blogging about for now, as I'm cold and it's time to make a hot water bottle.  Ahh, small luxuries.

These days

Things don't seem to be going very fantastically lately.

Maybe it's tinged with PMS... which is kak in itself for having a negative effect on things.

But really, it's been 2.5 months and counting and I still don't have a job.  I've applied for over 70 jobs now, been to 9 interviews, had exactly one day of work, and been told that I am not dressed professionally enough (both by the interviewing recruitment agent lady AND hearing from her that that's what the company I did the one day of work for thought of me).  Slather on that makeup, bitch, and wear BUSINESS-SUITS because that's what's CORPORATE, you know, never mind what you can actually do.  And here I was looking for an admin job because you don't HAVE to be the goddamn face of the company... otherwise I'd be applying for frontline receptionist positions...?

It's getting pretty fucking old looking at job ads and having to endure reading about FANTASTIC OPPORTUNITIES TO WORK FOR THE MOST DYNAMIC COMPANY EVARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

So... yeah, a bit lowjo on the mojo right now.

Adding to my IRRITATION is the fact that I was signed up for a superannuation fund (compulsory pension fund jobbie they have in Aus), by the recruitment agency I did the one-day-job for, ON THE DAY of the one-day-job... only for them NOT EVEN PUTTING ANY MONEY INTO IT!

The annoyance of a) being signed up without asking (even though they're legallly required to pay towards it, it's still rude), b) having to register online which is a pain, c) looking at the account balance online and seeing a $0 balance and a -$6 transaction for admin fees, d) having to phone and find out about it, TWICE because the first person didn't make much sense and I thought I'd be paying a $1.55 weekly admin fee backdated to the date the company opened my fund account... before they even pay into it which might be end of this month OR end of next month e) hearing from the second guy that 'they won't pay anything unless you're earning over $450 per month... the account will stay $0 and it will be closed'.

So, in essence, the annoyance of being irritated by the annoying pointlessness of a super-fund for 1 day of work only to find out that it's not even a super, it's just... a waste of paper.  I get signed up for a super-fund that they don't even pay into, only for it to be closed.  W00t.

Everything feels a little pointless right now.

Hunting for my damn stuff on ebay and gumtree and wherever else.  I'm so tired of it.  I don't know why I bother... actually, I think I do.  It's cos I have nothing else to do.  Really.  I don't *feel* like stitching and can't be bothered to play computer games or PSP games or anything.  I just don't feel like it.  I just don't feel like doing anything else like chores either (who ever wants to do chores)... don't care about this house to want to do weeding or cleaning outside or other things like that.  Sick of applying for jobs.  Can't be bothered looking for places to rent because we aren't even able to move until late August anyway and any houses available now won't be in August.

I just feel like... I wish I could be somewhere else.  Lying on a bench in the sun.  Nothing to worry about.  I don't know.  I'm just not having a wonderful time these days.

Interesting

Blogging via my phone adds pics which can't be clicked to view larger.  And the pic is reduced horribly too, so you cannot in actual fact see anything useful in the pic I posted last.

Also, I was referring to the outlining on the 'model' and chart, specifically around the greeny ring around the 'sun'/gold disk behind the geese, and the outlining of the feathers.

This pic would show you what I mean, although it too is a bit small:

Silliness...

I have, as weird as it feels, been stitching. I've been persisting with Wedding Blessing, and since I haven't posted any pics of it for ages, I thought it was time.

I have also decided that the detailing/outlining stitches are a bit cruddy, so I'm going to do my own thing when doing those. The "circle" thing behind the geese and the feathers looks dumb, like a pixellated dot-matrix print of the early 90s. Watch this space...

A bird pic

Just felt like sharing a pic of the budge...

After-effects

Yes, still not over this whole burglary thing.

Might take a while.

I realised yesterday (although I've been semi-aware of everything, it's just not bubbled to the surface until now) that whoever stole my laptops could so easily bypass the log-on password and steal all my 'data'.  I've been horrified ever since googling and finding actual apps to do that.  All my photos and videos and documents and saved files and stuff.

I kinda feel sick like I shouldn't even mention it on here in case they read my blog to keep tabs on me and then think I have something worth digging for.  I hate this!!  Parafuckingnoia!!!!!

A friend I was chatting to earlier said in all likelihood they would simply format both laptops, rather than sukkel (Afrikaans word for struggle) with getting into the files.

That's a small comfort, but I'm still SO PISSED OFF about it.  And what of my FUCKING PHONE!  No sim-pin, or phone-pin, or memory-card password... heaven knows why, ARGH!!  Private, that's my goddamn phone, ARGH!!

Never mind the monetary value of BOTH goddamn laptops and my phone (never mind the rings - they don't hold personal things apart from memories which are in my head) stolen from me, but the stuff saved on them is stolen too!!!!  I just... I can't get my head around it... it has NO VALUE to anyone else... I feel so angry and frustrated because I just cannot vent all this anger - it's got no direction whatsoever because there is NOTHING THAT I CAN GET ANGRY AT!  So frustrated!

It's not like there was a fight over my stuff and I was beaten and the laptops were taken as a result... there's nobody who did it who I can confront when next I see them... there's just nothing. Just nothing, where my laptops and phone were, where all the saved things were, all my stuff.  Nothing, now.

It makes me want to 'streamline' my life in a different way now.  Like I said before, I don't really want this laptop anymore, I just don't feel like saving things on it, or 'investing' any of myself in it.  In the same way, I don't want to buy things anymore... like, I realised while hitting a wall with stitching*, that... once I finish the stash of projects, I don't really want to buy and do any more.  I don't want to acquire any more things.  I have things already.  I feel rather that I should experience things instead.  Rather DO things than spend money on cross stitch kits and pretty things or valuable things like the wedding/engagement rings, not that we can afford to replace them anyway :-( 

I want to be self-sufficient and independent and unattached to THINGS.  Things just are lose-able or steal-able or break-able... it's no good being attached to things... it just hurts if you're attached to it and it's gone. Which is pretty stupid in the first place.

* The 'wall' with stitching is completely irrational and there's nothing much I can do about it:


- I don't want to start a new project (Spirit Horses pillow or Motion), because then I'll have 3 things 'unfinished' and I fear losing interest and never finishing any of them.

- I'm enjoying the process of stitching, but I'm not ENJOYING Apache Wedding Blessing.  I don't know why, maybe because it's not an 'alive' thing (like the horses etc, so far), but I just don't feel a bond with it.  It IS special, the words are special, but while stitching, I'm not really *feeling it* if that makes any sense.  It's just 8 more colours until I'm finished.  I'm persisting with it though.

- I have come to a stop with Gentle Strength.  I just (for now) can't get over the fact that I was busy stitching it and was (as always when on a roll) reluctant to stop and get ready to go out... and that I left it where it was because I wanted to carry on ASAP when we got home... and left the laptop, in sleep-mode, where it was, and went out to karate, only to come back to our whole life being changed.  I put it away, carelessly I spose, I just wanted it off the table and put away because seeing it there was like a lie of normalcy, when the blank space where the laptop was stuck out so glaringly... it was almost hurtful.  I've even moved the big table into the middle of the lounge so I'm not sitting in that same corner. 

I just hate this house now, don't trust it and resent it for its size and spread-out-ness.  I hate the fact that I was sitting right by the windows and front door, brightly lit by the stitching lamp, so perfectly SPY-ON-ABLE.  Yes, my damn vocabulary has gone to the crapper, but whatever.  I feel now like wtf did I sit there for?  I wish I never sat there.  Never chatted on my laptop there.  Never stitched and paused to reply to an sms there.  Anyone could have sneaked up to the window and watched me... I feel so angry about it.  I hate it and this house.  I hate the false sense of security we had.

Dear all

I just want to apologise for being a misery-bag about this whole thing.

I am sorry, and I am trying to deal with it.

I'm don't write this blog for funnyness-sake, or for anecdotes and entertainment, it's not a gossip blog about the stars, it's not a 'tips and hints for success in the kitchen' or anything, it's just my scribble-book, so it can get a bit down at times.

It's part of my trying to deal with it.  By putting things into words, I 'get it out' and can process what I'm feeling and thinking.

And for anyone who reads and thinks I need some help, yes, I'm going to phone a 'victims of crime helpline' or something like that tomorrow.

Partly related, but I don't really want to keep a laptop anymore.  I just feel so unkeen to have something to desirably stealable.  I'd rather have a big hulking room-size computer.  It's like jewellery - why have it if you don't wear it that often and it's oh-so-stealable? Seems pointless.  My mom feels sad for me and even offered to give me (and my sis) a ring each of hers, and although it's sweet and a sentimental gesture and I'd love to have one (for sentiment's sake), I just couldn't - I don't want any ring or expensive thing like that, includes the laptop.  If anyone burgles then, they'll find FUCK ALL to steal... and that'd be great.

At least with a PSP or camera or other electronics thing, if it gets stolen, it doesn't contain 'personal' things like saved files (apart from game data).  That's what's shit - all the photos I'd taken since arriving here were PROMPTLY (remember the bubbly, efficient personality, people!!) downloaded onto the laptop.

And if I hadn't been so keen on having all our papers in order and within easy reach in case of fire and we'd have to grab and run, whoever the FUCK IT WAS wouldn't have found the valuation certificates of the rings.

I feel so angry still... so let me just sign off from this now and say... yes, I... am... going... to... go... speak... to... someone...

Just a thought (or three)

A contact or two on FB seem tired of hearing about the burglary, so I shall keep my thoughts to my blog.

I can't help but wonder whether leaving my laptop on my xstitch table gave whoever it was reason to break in. The stupid vertical blinds on the window by the front door have a lovely 1cm gap all the way around, so any bastard (would-be burglar) coming up to the window to take a look would have been able to see it.

That makes me so fucking angry.

Why the fuck should we have to lock everything away IN OUR OWN HOUSE?! What the fuck, really!

I feel so despondent now, having read up a bit online, burglary and crime stats (aus), learning that my stuff, my personal things, were in all likelihood stolen by some drug addict fuck, to be sold/traded to some drug dealing fuck.

Where the hell would I ever get my things back? I just feel so downhearted, realising that these precious things are gone, forever. So that some scumbag can get a drug fix.

G doesn't agree with me on this, but, at this point in time, I feel that all drug addicts should be jailed/lobotomied/euthenased/something else permanent to punish them and prevent them from doing drugs or committing crime again. If they can so callously ruin others' lives, they should bear the consequences.

G argues that people don't realise when trying drugs for the first time that they have such a devastating, brain-altering effect, but I disagree. Who, in this day and age, is unaware of the effects of drugs? But the innnocent, NON-DRUG-ADDICT people have to suffer. Nice.

Sorry if I sound bitter like some old Nazi hag, but I just find things a bit unfair.

But then, who ever said life is fair?

Scanning, again

You'd think that after scanning over 7000 photographs I'd be well and truly sick of scanning things.  I kind of am, but sadly it's necessary to scan all of our important paperwork, so that we have electronic backups.

It's been boring, but I've not felt like doing much else (like stitching/exploring Brisbane), so I thought I may as well do something useful.

I must say that I'm rather impressed by this scanner.  A Canon Canoscan LiDE 25.  7000 photos, lots of pages, and counting.

It was beautifully sunny today, not that we got to enjoy it.  We haven't been opening any windows at all, and apart from when we go out TO somewhere (like shopping), we only ever go outside to check the post, put the bin out or hang/take down sheets on the washing line.  So we're not really getting to enjoy this 'fine, mild Brisbane winter' like we should be.

We'll get there, eventually.  And G has been working like mad on his software.

Fark

Yes, my blog post is rude, crude and lude (hardyhar).

I just felt like scribbling in my blog a message to whoever burgled us.  I know I posted that expressive picture, but somehow felt like rambling in words too.

Faaaaaaahk aaaaaaaaffffffff, you useless scumball.

Stealing my hard-earned, cherished and excitedly enjoyed laptopS!  Even though the older laptop was 'old', and gave hassles at times, I still loved the fact that I Had A Laptop.  My own computer... loved that it accompanied me through quite a good portion of my life.  It got battle-scars when it was only a few weeks old, from being stuffed quite tightly into my backpack as handluggage on my trip home from Australia in 2006.  It kept me company while I stitched, all my big projects so far.  The new laptop was continuing the tradition, keeping me company while I worked on Wedding Blessing and more recently, Gentle Strength.  I researched everything to do with moving here on that old laptop, and already had a folder-ful of photos of our Australian Life on the new laptop.  Plus other things, like I'd saved the pics of this house and our car, used on the online listings...

Fuck you, burglar, for taking them both away from me.

This laptop is a good replacement for the newer of the 2, there are slight differences (no backlit keyboard, no blu-ray ROM, for example), but other than that, it's the same.  Except it's not.  I don't feel like I should 'invest' so much of myself in it as I did before.  I don't feel like saving photos and stuff on here, and anything that I do save on here I want to encrypt so that should the laptop be stolen, nobody can access my stuff, even if they hack past the OS password.

But worst, I think, is the fact that they stole my phone... which ISN'T password protected.  I don't know why I didn't PIN protect that simcard... but regardless, most of the stuff saved on the phone was saved on the micro-SD card, so just swapping the sim out would have allowed access to the stuff on there.  I feel angry that I wasn't given a chance to clean out the phone first, to take off all the smses and contacts and notes and stuff, so that it would be 'ok' being stolen.

FUCK YOU burglar bastard/s!  Just, fuck you.  I hope you seriously come to some severe harm, but I doubt there really is karma or 'justice' in life.  So, all I can do is mutely mumble away on my stupid little blog that I hope you die a painful death.  Even though that does nothing at all, at least it makes me feel a little better.  So stupid.

Improvement

Today we were up 'nice and early', in comparison to 10am which is how late we'd been sleeping the past few days.  It's just so cosy in bed and it seems to take so long to fall asleep that getting up again while it still feels like sleep-time doesn't feel right.

I had an interview this afternoon, which involved a bus trip to the city centre.  It was peak lunch-hour busy when we got there, but, while it felt busy and a bit bewildering (compared to quiet at-home life LOL), it didn't feel unsafe really.

The interview was actually exceptionally long, going on for about an hour!  I don't think I've ever been for such a long interview, but it was mostly extended due to the admin manager lady's manner of talking - slowly and conversationally.  The Senior HR lady who was there was obviously more efficient and amped to get things going and to wrap up the interview near the end, but I don't feel that it was delayed or drawn out from my side - or I hope it didn't seem like it to them!  I will hopefully hear back next week. 

I really could do with a job now, not only for financial reasons but also for mental stimulation.  I just don't feel like doing my fun things anymore, due to the burglary I guess.  I just don't feel in a 'let's settle in and work on some hobby-ish things shall we?' frame of mind.  So getting out and doing things in a work sense will be good.

Oh and regarding this post's title, I feel a little better today.  Yesterday I became overwhelmed and teary at times, but I chatted to G about it, and also chatted to my mom + sis too, and today I feel a little better.  Maybe it's just post-shock numbing coming into play, but for now I'm feeling a little alright.

I must say that I felt plain and unadorned without my wedding ring today in the interview.  I always felt that it was a nice and shiny finishing touch, which complemented any nice earrings or bracelet I was wearing and rounded off my 'spiffy presentation' without being over the top and bling-bling...

Bastards.

I feel a bit sick

Sure as clockwork, it gets dark and I feel anxious and ill at ease.

We were up early today to go to a friend's birthday breakfast, it was strange being up so early and leaving while it wasn't 100% bright daylight yet, and of course I felt a bit concerned leaving the house empty while we were out.

We came back and it was all fine, but now that it's dark, I feel anxious again.  I have an interview tomorrow afternoon, and I'm already anxious about leaving the house empty, catching a bus/train with my phone etc in my handbag, as well as (of course) pre-interview nerves.

I just can't stand this.  We did chores this afternoon, and I felt angry while I was vacuuming.  I wanted to swear at things the entire time.  Things like, cursing the fucker who moved our/my stuff, who dared open our cupboards, scratched in our stuff.  Swear at the bastard who forced his way into the bedroom through the window and walked around in our place.  Swear at the entire damn house, actually.  I hate the place now, I think.  And I feel angry at my jewellery, stupid useless trinkets of prettiness and beauty, stupid little glittery things which caught the fucker's eye and made him scratch in the cupboard there.  Stupid things thrown on the floor.  I resent those things now, strangely.  I don't understand why, but I resent them.  They were mostly gifts from people, and they are meaningful gifts, appreciated and cherished, but as a whole, I almost feel like I just don't want them anymore.

Rationally/calmly thinking, I feel ok, but other times I just feel angry.  I feel unable to comprehend what's happened, in some way.  The moment it gets dark, I feel on edge.  I wish I could newspaper up all of the windows, so that there's NO WAY anyone could be lurking outside peeping through the gap.  I feel as if someone is watching the house, watching us, the entire time.  I feel like I should get rid of everything that might be 'desirable'.  That sitting here typing, I am visible and being watched and it's being noted on some list that I have something to be stolen, and these are the signs to check for to make sure they're not at home, etc.

I wish I could put barbed wire around the whole house, like in WW1 with the trenches and No Mans Land.  I wish I could get my hands on the bastard who broke in, and yell for all my might and beat him bloody while demanding an answer to "why the hell did you do this?!".  I KNOW, logically, that that's not possible, that it's fantasy-dreamlandy bravery, that it's all pointless, that the fucker wouldn't care even one jot.

I just feel like I don't know where to go from here, psychologically.  How can things ever feel safe again, how can I feel comfortable going out ever, leaving our stuff behind?  Even if we do move into another place with better security features and in a less crime-ridden area, I just don't feel like I can relax again. 

One could wish that all criminals would get blasted off the face of the earth, but there are just so many of them and so many variants.  So many factors causing them to do crime, it's not like they're normal like 'us', with just a 'nasty streak'.  There are just so many different kinds of people in the world and I feel hopeless that there COULD ever be peace and happiness.  It's just not possible, is it?  They're just on a different level... able to do crime without a care.

I hate it.  It's just so wrong.  Kinda makes me wish there WAS a frickin' apocalypse yesterday.

Testing, testing

I now have Blogger on my phone, not that I'm planning on penning any tomes on here... This is just to see that it works.

Picking up our pieces

We're on a road to recovery... as best we can be.

Tomorrow we're (hopefully) getting our safe.  I did get a replacement laptop, and it's been making me feel so uneasy the entire time I've had it.  This nagging, gnawing anxiety over it, and feeling that it's a burden, this thing I have to be responsible for, this big, valuable thing which I can't keep on me, in my pocket, 24/7, this thing that is at constant risk of being stolen.  I just cannot shake that feeling, and so despite enjoying being connected to the world again, I'm looking forward to getting the safe and locking it in the safe, along with the rest of our super-important stuff.

I've been keeping my eye on eBay to find any of our stuff, but no luck.  We can't search everywhere... at least eBay is one option.  It's so exhausting to actually sit and contemplate just how remote our chances are of actually finding our stuff, and getting it back, but we just can't drive around the entire greater Brisbane area looking in pawn shops and 2nd hand jewellery/electronics shops.

I am trying not to think about the stuff on the laptops, or on my phone.  And even if we get all of our stuff back, in all likelihood, the info on them would be lost.

I decided, though, to buy a new phone, one that can go online/check mail/chat/etc, so that I don't have to have the laptop with me all the time.  My old phone was pretty sad and very sorely lacking in 'smartphone' capabilities (although it did try its best), so I was dependent on the laptop.  No more, once my phone arrives.

Other aspects of recovery are: we got insurance (yay!), but are looking to change policy as it doesn't cover mobile phones!!  Now, of all the things that you'd think would be most expensive if your handbag were stolen, a mobile phone would be no. 1.  So, that insurance policy isn't that great and we're going to change - also probably tomorrow.

The rental agency has replied to my email saying she's forwarded on my request to the owner.  And they're getting quotes for motion-sensing lights and security-screens for the windows.  I don't hold any faith in those though, because (as the police constable said) they can just break the glass that's NOT screened (the screens only go on the openable windows).

Throwing a psychological spanner in the works is the fact that I'm still jobhunting, despite having no real interest in it right now.  I have an interview on Monday, at least I have a few days to prepare!  I just don't really feel in the right frame of mind now to try and sell myself and make as if I'm some powerhouse awesome-as-a-magic-carpet admin guru.  Remember the keywords, boys and girls:  dynamic, efficient, experienced, BUBBLY PERSONALITY!

How I despise those non-words!  Dynamic, fast-paced, busy office... and I find it most 'amusing' when they say something like 'must have a sense of humour!'.  Like, yeah, gotta put up with a lotta shit in THAT company!

Ok but anyway, jobhunting is vital, I need a job, we need the income now.  These haven't exactly been the cheapest last few weeks.

Here's a sneak peek (see?  I know how to spell that right!)... just a teaser:

I feel excited despite the guilt/anxiety.

That's all for now - I think it's time for a cuppa tea.

This is to ratballbag scum burglars and criminals EVERYWHERE

Pic found by googling, WeHeartIt, which seems to get the pic from All Aboard The Merrittsaur

Thanks, blogger

Because Blogger is refusing to let me comment ON MY OWN BLOG, here's my comment...

The police constable suggested we stick it out because it's not that bad here and breaking a lease is a REAL PAIN here in Aus.

We are going to ask the rental agency to get an alarm system installed here (it'll be in the landlord's interest because an alarm is a bonus).

Plus, we're looking into buying a fat-ass safe, so that we can stick our stuff in it whenever we're not using it and whenever we go out/outside!!

Holy fucking moly

I have been absent now for almost a week.

We went to karate on Monday evening, after stitching and mucking about with my laptop as I always do while stitching.  I put the laptop to sleep, and we left at 19:20.

Karate was good... considering we hadn't gone for almost 2 weeks, it was pleasantly strenuous.

We got home, I got out the car to open the garage door, G was playing the fool pretending to sing with the radio, I pulled a face at him, and opened the garage door.  The inner door, between the garage and the lounge was open... I looked back at G because *I* certainly hadn't and wouldn't have left it open, then I went towards it, and stepped into the house.

Bloody fucking hell... I just... dunno - I don't remember... but the single-couch cushions were chucked off... the digital camera and G's old nokia was still there, but my nokia... MY CELLPHONE... gone!

Tthe buffet cupboard's doors were open... MY LAPTOP was gone... the old one I stored in there 'to keep it out of view from the window' (as lack of incentive to break in)... fucking hell, my laptop, on the stitching table... gone.

The bed... I stumbled into the bedroom to find the bed shoved to the side, the pillows chucked around, our whole 'important documents' folder THROWN out onto the bed... I turned to look into the walk-in-robe... all of my things... my jewellery, just chucked out of the little plastic storage drawers... jewellery boxes and little decorative cardboard boxes... emptied and discarded.  Little pretty paper packets which odds and ends of jewellery were gifted in, ripped and discarded... the ring-box I got with the engagement ring... thrown down.  Empty.  The bedroom window open... no gauze-mesh screen.... gone... the blinds were opened... shock... shock shock shock...

I hurried out of the bedroom, the sliding door in the lounge... a blind was ripped down... the door was open...

The kitchen... larder cupboard door open, one of our re-usable shopping bags on the floor... I grabbed the phone and dialled 000... not even hearing the person on the other end... just saying 'hi, we've just been burgled... ok yes...' when told they were transferring me to the police.

Held for ages... I charged around the house in despair... looking around... the bathroom cupboards wide open... drawers pulled open... nothing of value in there... the 'hallway' cupboard pulled open... nothing valuable... G's 'study'... nothing touched - the sliding door of the cupboard was open.  Looked in my 'study'... they had opened my wardrobe in there, but obviously nothing in there they'd want, just model horses and My Little Ponies.  They looked in my fancy, pearlescent box, thinking it contained more valuable stuff than cross-stitch threads...

Back and forth, through the house, despair... shock... G takes the phone from me, as I'm still holding... the side-gate by the front of the house is wide open... I've already walked with the torch but don't see anything, I run to knock at the neighbour's door - it's dark, but they have a motion sensor light... they answer, she stays behind, he comes to our front door with me... I don't enter though as it's too intruded already without having the neighbour come in, and as I said to the neighbour while waiting for G to come back from being on the phone, it almost feels like if I stand out here it's as if nothing's wrong in there.  He said they heard nothing... also that it's a common thing - 6 or 7 out of the 8 houses in the street have been broken into... wow that's great to hear...

The phonecall takes forever... it's hopeless... whoever it is has run long ago... it's dark, there are a million directions he could have gone.  G gets a police case number... we thank the neighbour, he goes, we close up shop... go around closing blinds and windows and G closes the wide-open bedroom window... closes the sliding door... we look again to see what's been taken... my purse, our 3 rings, as well as (cleverly, fuckers), the valuation papers from the important-documents file... nothing else was important enough.  And my 2 laptops... a diamante set of earrings, bracelet and hairclips I thought were taken too were found... these are no fools. 

And they took one of our re-usable shopping bags... put both the laptops and chargers in the bag, and left... the insult!  The absolute disregard for what those laptops mean to me, to us... the fact that the old laptop and the phone are of almost no value now... they're old, scratched, they only mean something to me... smses, pictures, mms, contacts, notes, ringtones... soundclips, video clips... videos and pictures of the last car drive we took with Dude... when we 'moved out' to G's parents' place... and then, the fact that the entire contents of the old laptop were copied onto the new laptop, but expanded by 3 months... added to, grown, organised, supplemented... gone.

I phoned the bank/mobile phone company, travel-card companies to block the cards... all quick and simple.  Then we find the purse, cards removed and discarded, on the messed up bed... obviously no cash and the cards are of no use to them... so now I have cancelled cards that I still had (yay)... rather safe than sorry.

We go through the house locking and double-locking everything... 2am... time to sleep... if we can.  It's so so difficult, I'm so afraid... just can't... the windows aren't closed, the blinds are see-through... so insecure.  So afraid...

I lie there, listening, terrified, for a sound... of course there are sounds in that state of mind.  Morning comes and I'm so turmoiled, so upset.  Angry, autopilot.  Devastated, biting back tears, angry, resentful, shock.  Don't even remember what we did that day.  I do remember looking for my phone under/in/on top of things in the hope that it was thrown to the side.  We were then on our way to the mobile provider's shop, to get my sim swapped, when the fingerprints constable phones, can she come over, otherwise is tomorrow morning better?  Today, please!!  (We need this done so that we can finally close cupboards and put things away... it's so upsetting seeing the place like that...)

She comes, does her thing... she's so helpful and friendly and she's so reassuring, not by words but just in presence.  Apparently, there were about 6 burglaries that same evening... essentially some fucker walking around, knocking to see who's home.  Obviously this is their 'day job', there don't seem to be any usable fingerprints.  She's taken what she can get, but says we should wait out our lease then move.  It's called Forest Break, this suburb, because of how commonplace house break-ins are.  That's great to know.  It would have been more useful knowing this before we even moved country, but we live and learn don't we.

She's finished, takes the ripped envelopes with her in case there are prints on there.  We go to the shop.  I can't remember the 'query pin' in order for them to do the swap of the SIMcard, and stupidly I didn't think to bring my passport... so we can't get the SIM swapped.  It's just (unintentionally) a slap across the face and I'm overcome by tears... sitting in the mall, tears streaming down my face...

At least we are able to buy a temporary number, I pretend I have flu (excuse my red eyes).  I just can't bear the thought of having no phone number... to be totally disconnected from the outside world... my SA SIMcard still works but has no airtime (and is on roaming anyway).  At least my extremely old nokia has a good portion of my contacts 'left behind' on it, so I am immensely comforted.

That night isn't any better, still afraid, and the next day again I'm angry.  I think that was the worst day.  It's shit being angry during the day, overwhelmed with shock response, and then the moment it gets dark, to be terrified.

We've been hunting on eBay... and other sites.  I now have a laptop again, to aid in the hunt.  I'm still angry.  I have a back up though, made in November, but I've lost almost 6 months.  And over 3 years of smses... messages of bad news, sad news, happy news, wishes on birthdays, anniversaries, as well as night-before-the-wedding wellwishes. 

Fuck the bastards who can so casually take that away.

Today's adventures

This afternoon we headed out to the local hardware store to buy sandpaper, and while we were there we took a look at the outdoor chair and table sets.  We bought a cheap one, as it's not going to be sitting out in the sun every day (the porch is covered), but it's still comfortable.

I tried to take a pic, but it's a bit 'messy' with flash/window reflections.  The buckets are our weeding buckets... and the white thing in the plant bed is a 'termite station'... apparently they're old/useless now but I don't really feel like digging them up!

We also popped through to the aquarium shop, and I bought 7 glowlight tetras.  I was planning only getting 5, but they only had 7 and I thought why leave 2 all by themselves when they can have a safe home with me?

Unfortunately the plants are a bit algae-mottled, but the snails are working hard to combat the algae.  And in this pic, I didn't get any of the black neons, but at least I got some of the glowlights quite clearly!  They're so adorable.  One of them (a male from the original 3 glowlights) immediately started displaying his fins and showing off to prove he's alpha male the moment I released the newbies into the tank.

After struggling to assemble the (stupid) table and releasing the fish into the tank respectively, G and I sat out on the porch with tea and coffee, relaxing in the quiet.  Or, at least, it was quiet until the weird man nearby started playing with his r/c car again.  It's been quiet so he's evidently been back at work, but now it's weekend again and he's out there a lot again *sigh*

Tonight it's going to be sushi for supper - so lemme say adieu again, and get started :D

~ adieu ~

Plant pets

I was sad to have to leave my violet/s and other bits and bobs of potplants behind, but a week or 2 ago, we bought a violet.  Then, while I was raking on Tuesday, I discovered a tiny little plant which seemed to be an escaped indoor plant.  It wasn't very big, so I dug it out of the surprisingly hard, rocky clay ground and potted it.

These are the two plants we now have:

 

The 2nd plant surprised me this morning with a precious little flower.  I hope it's a sign that the plant is relieved to be in softer soil and glad to be indoors!  I had plants like this before, and they didn't seem to hard to keep.  The only problem I had (when we were still in the unit before last - the Pink Prison) was a lack of light, so the plant got taller and taller and taller, and then lost all of its leaves as it worked out that there *was* no light to be gained.  That was a pretty glum flat, so I'm not surprised the plant didn't last.

Another pic, I'd been meaning to take it since Easter weekend.  I got (and hid) a group of these guys for G, and once he'd rounded them all up, we sat on the couch.  I showed one of them (the right-side one) to Bird, who was instantly besotted.  This is just a pic to show you how cute they are!

I worked out yesterday that I've applied for over 45 jobs so far, had 7 interviews and only 1 day of work.  There are lots of jobs out there, I'm just not finding *my* job.

The home inspection happened without fuss.  I think we have a good case for getting a 'green' bin as we currently have 14 black-bags of garden waste lined up by the fence.  The lady didn't seem to have found any 'faults' or problems, I hope that means we're doing ok!  She didn't go out into the back garden though, obviously it looked spiffy enough out the windows... I must say it looks so nice now that it's mowed, even if it is, in reality, pretty weed-infested.  It's more welcoming and it makes me want to go lie out there on the grass with a junky magazine, a small bottle of coke and some other treats and while away a sunny afternoon.  Sis and I used to do that back home, mostly on the stunning sunny winter days.

The Australian sun is a bit less forgiving than the South African sun (but not by a whole huge lot...), so I think we need to buy a sun-umbrella.  We also need (would like) to buy a small patio table + chair set.  It really is beautiful on the porch in the morning.  Would also be nice to get some potplants but I think it'll be a bit of a 'strain' for now while we're still adjusting to living here having to tend to plants.  I'm still getting back into the swing of fish-tank maintenance.

Talking of the fishtank, we're going to (finally!) buy some sandpaper so that the under-tank board can be completed.  Yup, it's varnished but needs sanding and touching up before I can set up the fishtank in its permanent spot.  I'm going to pop into the aquarium shop too, to buy 5 more glowlights.  Once the tank has been relocated and has been settled for a while, I'll buy some cardinals.

Ok, that's all for now!  Gotta go check the tank water stats and possibly do a waterchange.  Adieu for now!