After-effects

Yes, still not over this whole burglary thing.

Might take a while.

I realised yesterday (although I've been semi-aware of everything, it's just not bubbled to the surface until now) that whoever stole my laptops could so easily bypass the log-on password and steal all my 'data'.  I've been horrified ever since googling and finding actual apps to do that.  All my photos and videos and documents and saved files and stuff.

I kinda feel sick like I shouldn't even mention it on here in case they read my blog to keep tabs on me and then think I have something worth digging for.  I hate this!!  Parafuckingnoia!!!!!

A friend I was chatting to earlier said in all likelihood they would simply format both laptops, rather than sukkel (Afrikaans word for struggle) with getting into the files.

That's a small comfort, but I'm still SO PISSED OFF about it.  And what of my FUCKING PHONE!  No sim-pin, or phone-pin, or memory-card password... heaven knows why, ARGH!!  Private, that's my goddamn phone, ARGH!!

Never mind the monetary value of BOTH goddamn laptops and my phone (never mind the rings - they don't hold personal things apart from memories which are in my head) stolen from me, but the stuff saved on them is stolen too!!!!  I just... I can't get my head around it... it has NO VALUE to anyone else... I feel so angry and frustrated because I just cannot vent all this anger - it's got no direction whatsoever because there is NOTHING THAT I CAN GET ANGRY AT!  So frustrated!

It's not like there was a fight over my stuff and I was beaten and the laptops were taken as a result... there's nobody who did it who I can confront when next I see them... there's just nothing. Just nothing, where my laptops and phone were, where all the saved things were, all my stuff.  Nothing, now.

It makes me want to 'streamline' my life in a different way now.  Like I said before, I don't really want this laptop anymore, I just don't feel like saving things on it, or 'investing' any of myself in it.  In the same way, I don't want to buy things anymore... like, I realised while hitting a wall with stitching*, that... once I finish the stash of projects, I don't really want to buy and do any more.  I don't want to acquire any more things.  I have things already.  I feel rather that I should experience things instead.  Rather DO things than spend money on cross stitch kits and pretty things or valuable things like the wedding/engagement rings, not that we can afford to replace them anyway :-( 

I want to be self-sufficient and independent and unattached to THINGS.  Things just are lose-able or steal-able or break-able... it's no good being attached to things... it just hurts if you're attached to it and it's gone. Which is pretty stupid in the first place.

* The 'wall' with stitching is completely irrational and there's nothing much I can do about it:


- I don't want to start a new project (Spirit Horses pillow or Motion), because then I'll have 3 things 'unfinished' and I fear losing interest and never finishing any of them.

- I'm enjoying the process of stitching, but I'm not ENJOYING Apache Wedding Blessing.  I don't know why, maybe because it's not an 'alive' thing (like the horses etc, so far), but I just don't feel a bond with it.  It IS special, the words are special, but while stitching, I'm not really *feeling it* if that makes any sense.  It's just 8 more colours until I'm finished.  I'm persisting with it though.

- I have come to a stop with Gentle Strength.  I just (for now) can't get over the fact that I was busy stitching it and was (as always when on a roll) reluctant to stop and get ready to go out... and that I left it where it was because I wanted to carry on ASAP when we got home... and left the laptop, in sleep-mode, where it was, and went out to karate, only to come back to our whole life being changed.  I put it away, carelessly I spose, I just wanted it off the table and put away because seeing it there was like a lie of normalcy, when the blank space where the laptop was stuck out so glaringly... it was almost hurtful.  I've even moved the big table into the middle of the lounge so I'm not sitting in that same corner. 

I just hate this house now, don't trust it and resent it for its size and spread-out-ness.  I hate the fact that I was sitting right by the windows and front door, brightly lit by the stitching lamp, so perfectly SPY-ON-ABLE.  Yes, my damn vocabulary has gone to the crapper, but whatever.  I feel now like wtf did I sit there for?  I wish I never sat there.  Never chatted on my laptop there.  Never stitched and paused to reply to an sms there.  Anyone could have sneaked up to the window and watched me... I feel so angry about it.  I hate it and this house.  I hate the false sense of security we had.