Firstly, I have been going to see a psychologist. She reckons I have Adjustment Disorder, which is a fancy way of saying I've had a few upsets/rough times and my ability to cope is shot. I'm not sure what is going to happen, whether counselling alone is going to help, because it involves trying to calmly and rationally think things through and assess my options. Great for the times I am feeling calm and rational, but completely unhelpful when I'm spazzing out, as I so often am these days. Perhaps medication will keep me from spazzing out, so that I can be calm and rational for more of the time, so as to get through things. That probably makes it sound like I'm a loonytoon which I'm not. It's just that I tend to feel down in the dumps and overwhelmed/exhausted a lot, not that I'm sitting twitching in a corner.
Most of the time, I just feel sad and restless... unable to settle and be 'at peace' - I cannot trust my surroundings, cannot trust the house (any house) and relax. I feel as though there are too many things that need doing, that take preference over having any form of fun... there are always chores to be done so I just feel unable to do things I used to enjoy a lot, like stitch. I feel frustrated that things aren't all 'just right'... that there are things that still need attending to... things that are not under our control, such as things waiting for rental agency input... stupid rental agency.
I also feel, as sad as it sounds, as though for the past 3 months we have merely been babysitting Rigi. I'm not sure why (it may well be a symptom of my aforementioned problem) but I feel more of a bond with and affection towards the budgie than I do with him... and it bugs me immensely. At present, there isn't so much enjoyment having him around, it's more like another chore, another worry. Worry over whether he's ok by himself out in the garden, not breaking things, damaging things, eating dangerous things, playing with snakes (yes I saw a snake in the front garden so there is probably a snake(/s) in the back yard too). He is a sweet little thing, quiet and not a nuisance in the slightest, I just feel currently as though I am unable to keep myself going, nevermind maintaining him as he needs.
This is pretty hard to type, I may well delete this completely but at least I can type it and publish it and get it off my chest...
Part of this problem is the urge, drive almost, to buy something big. I want my ring, both my rings, back... so badly. I want MY rings, I want only my rings... and yet I am unable, no matter how well, thoroughly or 'cleverly' I google, to find them. I cannot... just cannot. I so badly want my "high-value" ring back, but conversely, I do not want another, because it is such distilled value and so stealable that I do not want it. I do not want so much value in one thing. And yet, I do. My mind goes back and forth. I want at least to replace the wedding ring, but cannot justify the expense.
I find myself obsessing now, frustratingly, on cars. A car, or two versions of a car. Audi A4 B7, the car we had, and Audi A3 8P, the sportback (hatchback) version... something so expensive and utterly unattainable. Something that I would be unable to use. I don't yet have my QLD open license, nevermind the huge expense of such a car, just in the monthly repayments - and then add on the insurance and petrol costs, as well as maintenance/servicing/repair costs... completely out of my reach and it will not be within my reach any time soon.
This is the A3 which I would dearly love:
It really is a thing of beauty.
I do have something other than cross-stitch to try draw me into relaxing:
Up until now, I've been (enjoying) using my stock standard iPod earphones. I tried out the headphones with the iPod and wow... now THAT'S music!
Ok... hopefully this post doesn't seem flippant, what with talking serious stuff and then sticking up pics of "things dat i lyke"... at least the pics make it interesting?
1 comment:
*HUGS* Some things are hard to get over, like having your privacy invaded etc and it's hard to say the following without sounding insensitive, but please know that it's not meant that way.. "The sooner you can figure out how to let go, the better off you'd be."
Worrying and dwelling on things that are out of your control becomes such a heavy burden that after awhile, you don't even know where to begin to find a way out, or worse, you get so use to it that you don't want to get out cos, well... it's something familiar.
As for Rigi, instead of worrying about why you should feel more attached, channel that towards just enjoying him in whatever capacity you can and let that be that.
Keyboard looks great, good luck with it!!
Thanks for the pressies... koala is on the fridge, so darn cute, and the choccies are awesome.
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