Melancholy

For some reason I feel very melancholy this evening. I found this pic somewhere online, and it made me feel so sad for the past.

My grampa used to have a car like this, a maroon, automatic merc: right-hand drive, towbar, wood-panelled dashboard etc.

This pic takes me back to when I was small and pretty much in awe of the car. I must have been about 4 or so, maybe even 3. My cousin wasn't born yet so I was probably between 3 and 4. I remember how spotlessly Grampa would keep the car. It was polished and pampered and so well kept. It was really beautiful. The pic makes me remember it so clearly. The colours and textures, all the small details of the interior.

Then, after he died (when I was about 9 or 10), Gran moved in with my uncle and cousins. The car was left out in the garden, and my cousins played in the car and the sun destroyed the paint on the bonnet.

Uncle decided to move about 6 hours away, and he sold the car. After letting it fall into disrepair, it was probably sold for virtually nothing. It could have been sold years before, to someone who would have kept it and maintained it like it should have been. It could have been sold or given to my parents, although mom's thought is that they wouldn't have had the money to keep it and fix it if something went wrong.

I feel such sadness and regret about this car. I have dreamt of driving a similar (if not the same) car. It would have been great, to drive the car, to own the car, keep it like Grampa kept it. I would have cherished it. But it was wasted. Thrown away as if nothing, worthless.

I doubt I could buy a car like it, or one like the one my parents had... it just wouldn't be the same. It wouldn't be that particular car, and I would never be happy. I guess I will (one day) buy a normal car - but what cars these days are any good? Well made, quality and worthwhile? Everything is plasticky and junky and not made to last. I couldn't feel dedicated to something like that.