I haven't blogged significantly for a while... things have been too busy, or hectic, or insane for me to even think about what I would blog, even though I have had a desperate need to pour out all my thoughts and turmoil.
I am tired. Things are too hectic, tiring. Exhausting. I would love to sleep late at least a little on the weekends, but I can't. My driving lessons are at 8 every Saturday, and then Sundays I can never sleep past about 9 (I think), being so clockworkly trained into getting up before 8. I WANT to sleep late, but can't. And I am having driving lessons up until 13 May... so no sleeping late until the 17 May! I have 14 lessons left.
I'm tired. I'm tired of this job, this place. Tired of the same people day in day out, I hardly care to be here. I just have no energy, no interest in this place. I want to leave and never come back. I am looking forward to the time when we start applying for Aus and I can leave this place in order to prepare everything for the move. Not having to see these people, and do the same thing, over and over. Tired of it. Just too tired.
I'm so confused about something. It's that person X and person Y thing again. Still. It never ends, never changes or stops. I'm so mentally strained by them, they drain me and exhaust me. After such a huge palava just a few days ago, things seem back to normal again. Bafflingly so. I'm too tired even to react. Y phoned me 2 nights ago, and blabla bla blethered on about the same old usual minutae boring unbelievably detailed, UNINTERESTING nonsense as always. She KNOWS that it is uninteresting, this minute detail, down to the letter, about every single little thing that happened... it's mindwarping. It is painful to listen to. I can't listen anymore, all I end up doing is going "mmm" on the phone. It's awful. Half an hour (often more) of going "mm" and getting an endless STREAM of words in my ear the entire time. Then "do you have any news?". No "how are you?", "how are your driving lessons?" or "how are the wedding plans?", just "any news?". Sheesh, I feel so cared about, thank you for asking... NO I DON'T HAVE ANY NEWS. I have a lot of things I would LOVE to tell her about, but can't. I don't want to answer the phone when it rings because it is always the same. But now, so things are back to normal, after the HUGE fight and stuff, and Y said that she'd come home and X had opened the door and smiled and said hi and Y felt so over the moon. So, after my feeling utterly ill and sick with stress, being The Ear for all the world's shit to be told to, all is well and back to normal as if nothing had ever happened. I can't believe it. Now things are normal. After everything, after being so shocked and the ground shaking around making me giddy, nothing is the matter... it's all normal. I am so pissed off, I can't even begin to explain. WTF... am I THAT insignificant, do I matter SO LITTLE that they can just offload all their psychologically imbalanced, mind-killing BAD MOOD and ANGER and FRUSTRATION onto me, and then just walk away? Do they NOT CARE how it affects me? YOU PEOPLE ARE FUCKING FREAKS!
I'm so pissed off. I can't wait to emigrate and be away from all this, but nothing will change. The only thing that will change will be the visits (or lack thereof). The phonecalls and MSN chats will be the same. Exhausting, endless shit. I just... can't take it anymore. Really. I would love for Y (and X too!) to be NORMAL, so that we could just, go out for breakfast together, go for lunch, go shopping, do WHATEVER, do normal things together, have fun and know each other... but we don't. Y knows hardly anything about me anymore, hell I doubt she knows who the hell SHE IS even. No one does. Running around busy with NONSENSE, not dealing with anything and taking stock of who and what she is... all she is is flurry and chaos. I'm tired. I do not enjoy the phonecalls, but that's all "we" have. It's almost like a duty, the phonecalls and sms's and stuff. I am so tired.
X is no better either. Such trouble, and then I'm sposed to be friendly with her, as if nothing's wrong. As if Y is normal and X hasn't been making it worse by fighting with Y. It just gets worse and worse, Y has a problem and I'm fed up with X making it worse every time. Y is not normal. I'm tired of X too, I don't matter to her either. How many times in normal conversation, just chatting, have I tried to say something, and it's almost like I'm not there. You know, that "a-" or "h-" when you can't even finish the first syllable of the first word of whatever you are trying to say, and the other person resumes talking... their sentence is finished, there's a break, and then it just starts up again along the same line as their previous sentence that you were trying to respond to. It's even worse in a group... I'm so tired of that. I am paranoid that I do that, I'd hate it if I did that... I hope I don't.
I'm TIRED of you X. You just never think about anyone but yourself. It's been a fact, ever since I can remember. Won't consider anyone else. If it'd improve A's situation, but inconvenience you, you will not do it.
I feel like I'm in a river, being bashed along by the current, and if I could just stand up I'd find that it's really only 4cm deep.
Why am I discussing our wedding plans with friends overseas who cannot make the wedding, and I can't discuss it with X and Y. They're sposed to be part of it, surely? And yet, there's nothing. X seems hardly interested at all, Y is too mentally busy and distracted (chaotic) to even CLICK, HELLO, she's getting MARRIED! The whole WEDDING THING is going to happen in a few months' time. Helloo, hellooo, anyone OUT THERE! You two are such freaks, X and Y. I hope you know that. Maybe one day I will tell you. But it wouldn't make a difference. You would not hear.
Will not hear.
Unheard.
No comments:
Post a Comment