*blank*

I have no concise words to try and describe how I'm feeling, but I will try.

I just, finally, 6 years after he passed away, listened to a tape recording of my dad's voice.

He was 81 when he passed away, I had just turned 22. Yes, there was a significant generation gap.

It was a few days after my birthday.  He was 'fine' at my 21st party.  A few weeks after the party, he and my mom finally got a diagnosis of what had been causing him trouble for a while:  he had throat cancer.

I won't go into detail of what happened, but he had had a scratchy, husky voice for a while, had to clear his throat all the time, at times looking up made him cough so much he felt he was choking (I think he actually did, sometimes), but it was put down to being postnasal drip, or age, I think, or something unimportant/insignificant. 

I remember Mom breaking the news to us, sitting with us in the lounge, trying to keep a brave face while speaking, saying that it's 'just cancer' and he'll go through radiation treatment and throat surgery, but we'll stay strong and see him through it.

He had a tracheotomy.  He went through a horrific operation, and it was horrible to see him afterwards, in the ICU ward, all puffy and stitched all around his neck.  He never had a voice again, after that.  As he improved in hospital, he got given a bib to wear, to cover his throat hole so that it wouldn't get dry.  He was supposed to block the hole with his thumb, so that he could expel air through his throat so that he could speak.  He couldn't smell anymore, and he struggled so much to try speak again, but he never managed properly and would get so frustrated that he just ended up wheezing angrily at us, while mouthing the words he was trying to say.

He had to go through radiation therapy for a good while after that, as there were other tumours around his neck/upper chest/shoulders area, and it made him quite weak.  He really struggled, and if I remember correctly, after the new year he started to decline.  He ended up sleeping more and more, and having moments where he blacked out and fell over while he was awake and up and about, which forced Mom to take him to hospital as she could no longer look after him properly in that state (sleeping all the time). 

He was in hospital for a short while (I don't recall how long, I think maybe a week or two), and the medical aid was causing hassles, saying that they were no longer going to cover him in hospital, that Mom would need to look after him at home.  In the meantime, during his hospital 'stay', he deteriorated more and more, until he was asleep/not aware of anything most of the time.  Basically, his brain was shutting down bit by bit, at that time. He just faded continuously, and I believe he passed away in the depths of one of his long, 'peaceful' 'sleeps'. 

I had just started a new job that week, and had to take time off from work.  I don't know (don't care) how bothered they were, as a person only really has one father.

I've gone on, all this time, with distanced memories of him.  I've been trying to 'capture' as much of him as I can, by way of scanning all the family photos, scanning his folder of war-era correspondence (he was a reluctant member of the compulsory parades!) and other papers, without really letting myself *remember* him, if that makes any sense.

Recording this voice clip has been put aside for a months;  I wanted to wait until I felt strong enough to listen to it.  Mom reassured me that it was humorous, that it wasn't all emotional and depressing, like him saying a 'final farewell' or anything, but said that it upset her to listen to it because of how bad his voice sounded and that it angered her that the doctors at the time couldn't really be bothered to investigate his problem properly, which led to a significant delay in diagnosis (and subsequent treatment).  Basically, their disinterest led to his getting past a 'recovery' point, cancer-wise.

I just listened to this clip, and it's true.  His voice is unmistakably his, but it sounds so terribly damaged.  His 'voice' when he tried to speak after the operation was croaky, burpy almost, but his voice in the clip is so bad, so damaged, that I understand.  I feel Mom's pain.  He sounds so oldly youthful, like a lively elderly gentleman, think David Attenborough (on his Trials of Life documentary series), but with a faulty voice.  It sounds, now, so wrong, compared to the memory of how his real voice sounded.  This isn't his real voice, but it's the only voiceclip we have.  And since it's him, I've saved a copy on the computer.  At least it won't be lost, it can be backed up.

I hope this post isn't as dismally depressing as I suspect it might be.  I just wanted to try express my feelings about this - I haven't really, before.