Christmas contemplation

Why do things have to be difficult. Sometimes you really just don't need things to be difficult... they don't HAVE to be difficult, but they just are.

Tomorrow is xmas eve. The tradition in my family* is to wait up until midnight on the dot and THEN open presents. It has been that way ever since I can remember, and when I was small it was a serious ordeal, getting through the DAYtime, to be able to stay up late; midnight would take its precious time in getting there. It has been like that the past few years, it's remained a tradition. It's been kept up, even after dad died, after me and sis got boyfriends (and now husband!), but this year, I'm not sure.

<* family = mom, dad, sis and me>

It actually makes me a bit emotional, thinking about it. It usually is at mom's place, but this year, mom's more 'busy' than usual. By busy, I don't mean busy in the conventional sense. She's rather... unfocused... I don't want to go into detail, but she's overwhelmed by stuff sometimes and can't focus on what is REALLY actually important/priority. It leads to clutter at home, and her being distracted and stuff GENERALLY being a crisis/chaos when it really is in fact nothing at all. So she's not keen on xmas eve. I've said we'll have it our place this year (like last year), so that she doesn't have loads of cleaning up to do. She said, however, that she wasn't really feeling up to the 'xmas mad show', ie festivities. We also have (since I started going out with G) had xmas lunch at his folks' place (cos their tradition is opening gifts 1st thing in the morning), and then boxing day lunch at my mom's place. That way we get to open gifts at mom's on xmas eve, then we get to open gifts at G's folks on xmas morning and have lunch there, then a '2nd' xmas lunch on boxing day with my mom. So in that situation, there's no rushing between the 2 places, cutting short a lunch/brunch with either because of having to go to the other place. Also, it sort of cuts out a bit of driving when the roads are probably maddest.

But now, it seems that it is a no-go. Xmas eve, mom sms'd me saying she doesn't think she'll come.

I don't know why it upsets me. I'm not crying... but I feel... hollow. It's almost as if things are really (again) falling apart. Mom isn't focused, and things go wonky (stuff at home, the house/garden etc), and sis complains and fights with her. Sis doesn't help at home at all (she's always had an attitude of not wanting to help because a) she can't be bothered and doesn't even think of offering to help... doesn't notice that you may even NEED help... and b) if you ASK for help, she's got this attitude of it being a HUGE undertaking, that if she did even 1nanometre more work, she'd be bearing the entire workload (which is so far from the truth it's actually pretty lame and her 'tone' as she says that kinda thing really pisses me off).

So we have mom, not 'coping' in a way, and sis, not helping but complaining and fighting.

And then there's me. The whole situation drains me. Mom's not in a state to sort herself out, and anything I try to say or do (like encourage mom to do stuff herself - a person can't 'rescue' someone in this situation... it's a behaviour-change issue), is completely cancelled out by sis's negative input and complaints and criticism. And then mom calls out for help and encouragement... which I find so hard to give, because the things she prioritises (to sort out) are completely pointless and DO NOT SOLVE ANYTHING...

I feel like I'm talking myself into a circle. Downward spiral. I don't know what to think about it. The only solution I can see is that mom GETS HERSELF OUT OF THAT SITUATION. Puts her goddamn foot down and kicks sis to the kerb... because sis is in a way 'sponging'... and then takes charge and sorts herself out from the ground up. I can't buy mom a new house. Even if I did, there's so much junk and STUFF in the house she has that she would never be able to move in time. I can't explain. It's a problem that I can see but can't put into words... I dunno.

I'm tired. I'm actually now not feeling very xmas-spirited either. It's not the same. Why can't things be normal? Why... can't... my family... be normal...

Why.